Tag Archives: Chicken

Jason Golden Fleeces Nats Out of Win: Hammel and the Or-gonauts Take Opener

This kid thinks he’s so clever, wearing gear from both teams to try and get as many autographs as possible. Well, no one’s going to reward such flagrant pandering–I think he’s overstretching himself. Also, his clothing. Cause he’s fat. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 H, BB, K. We jest about Zimmermann not getting any run support because people don’t like him. But this sample size is only getting larger and less dismissable by the game. Does he make loud and disgusting noises when he eats? Does he give terrible birthday presents? It’s still a mystery.

Shame of the Game: 

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, K. Both Zimmerman(n)s are represented in today’s game dame/shames. This would be more exciting for The Zimmerman(n) Telegram except for the fact that we probably wouldn’t have named a blog after Ryan if we knew he was going to be so bad. Ryan’s whole season at the plate has been a bit on the shameful side. I can only assume he’s been distracted by his other, more foreign ministerial duties.


The Battle of the Beltway resumed on Friday. A classic piece of military wisdom is that sometimes the best way to win a battle is to not fight it at all. The Nats may have been well-served to heed this advice, as they lost the opening skirmish of the Battle’s second round. Although, if they hadn’t fought the battle they probably would’ve just forfeited, which would have produced the same result in the standings. They may actually have been better served by just not striking out ten times against Jason Hammel. I guess baseball and war are not always¬†analogous.

Now I finally understand why Sun Tzu’s brief foray into baseball analysis failed. And why Harold Reynolds’ brief foray into being a general resulted in his entire army immediately dying and him cowering behind a bush for several weeks. Continue reading

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Thirty-Third Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Boston Redd Sox (The Newest Item from the Michael Redd Clothing Line)

Jacoby Ellsbury caught saying "oh" in the sentence, "Oh man, the Nationals are so good."

The end of Spring Training has arrived. Finally, meaningful games with talented players can occur. But part of me still hates to see it go. There’s something therapeutic about watching grown men fight for fame, wealth and happiness, knowing all the while that some have no chance.

The final game of the spring took place in Washington at Nationals Park, and saw the Red Sox beat the Nats 8-7. At least I think that’s what it saw, its vision was a little blurry from all the beer it drank between innings.

The win today slipped through the Nationals’ fingers, probably cause the Red Sox left the baseballs so greasy from all that chicken.

Despite the loss, I’m very excited about the team. Heck, I won’t even think about divorcing myself from this team despite some cancerous players it may have. I’m no John Lackey. Because he did that. He divorced his cancer-stricken wife. Just saying.

Oh he’s so ugly.

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