Tag Archives: children

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return.  Continue reading

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The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

Game 1:

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki's embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki’s embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Nationals 10, Marlins 3

This game was as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a lot. The world was in harmony; children laughed and played and there were no sad people at all except for Marlins fans, so there were no sad people.

The end. Continue reading

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Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

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We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Nationals Coverage

Oh, curly W. I forgot how seductive are your luscious curves.

Oh, curly W. How could I forget how seductive are your luscious curves.

While we hope you enjoyed The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s brief foray into international coverage, the time for caring about the rest of the world is over. In fact, it’s time to stop caring about anything other than the Washington Nationals for the foreseeable future. You simply won’t have time to. Between watching Nationals games and then reading about them on this very blog, your life will be utterly consumed in #natitude and the #vomit you will produce after seeing the natitude hashtag everywhere.

As it should be. So, what are you waiting for? Divorce your spouse. Quit your job. Leave your children to die on a mountaintop. Get rid of all possible distractions from this impending baseball season that’s about to sit its entire 162-game girth down on our eagerly-awaiting abdomens.

We’ll be doing everything we can to facilitate the ruination of your non-baseball life, with all your favorite game summaries, transaction analyses, player profiles, impossibly witty signs, erotica, and some brand Spanking new features whose surprises I shall not yet spoil. The biggest difference from last season is that we’ll be trading quantity for quality (and less work) in game summaries – expect about one per series, instead of one per game. Don’t worry, though. We’ll make it up to you. Wink.

Without further ado…baseball jokes. Come get ’em.

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Wizards Lose Wizard Battle

This was some crazy wizbiz.

Final Score: Pacers 96, Wizards 89

Dame of the Game: The guy that brushes down the court every time someone falls over.

Shame of the Game: The kids they let play on the court at halftime seemed pretty bad.

——

I went to a Washington Wizards game last night. I’m still not entirely sure why.

They certainly didn’t win. In fact, they were losing the whole time. At one point, they were almost not losing! But then they were losing again.

Very few other people made the same decision as me. I guess they knew better from past experience or something.

The crowd was either very resistant to following instructions or didn’t have tongues or hands.

Here’s my analysis of what happened: the Wizards definitely played basketball against the other team. But for all the times they got points, the Pacers got points even more times and, well, that was that. What a basket. What a ball.

—–

I hope you enjoyed this NBA-related post from a real basketball expert (me) and that you will continue to tune into The Zimmerman(n) Telegram for all your live up-to-the-minute all-you-need-to-know-about-hoops basketball coverage needs. 

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Eury Perez

The beginning of what I can only hope is a long and productive career of slamming his head into Mets players’ crotches.

EURY PEREZ’ DARK SECRET EXPOSED

Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive: long-hidden origin of Eury Perez’s first name finally revealed.

We have received an explanation of the name from “someone who knew Eury as a child” who only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. This is that source’s story:

“Heh, yeah. So Eury wasn’t always called Eury. He used to be named something boring, like John or Steve or Dust-Sock. No, it definitely wasn’t Dust-Sock, that was this other kid. Anyway, so apparently one day when he was like 6 he was just standing on the playground and he accidentally started peeing. Bad timing on his part, cause he’d also forgotten to zip up his fly from the last time he peed and no one told him cause it was funny to watch him walk around with his fly unzipped. But the joke was on them because he peed through his open fly and it went all over everyone. Naturally the pee incident was the only thing he was known for until he started playing baseball.

He went home to cry to his parents about it but they thought it was so funny that they decided to legally change his first name from whatever it was to Urine. Urine Perez. As with all kids with terrible names he had to find a nickname that was less bad, so just as you might change Jonathan to Johnny or Steven to Stevie or Dust-Sock to Dust-Socky, he got people to call him Eury instead of Urine.

I don’t think anyone ever told him that he could legally change his name to something else that doesn’t evoke a horrible childhood memory or the cruelty of his parents. But it’s really funny, so you better not be the one to ruin it.”

Mum’s the word, anonymous source.

This urine-related story has been brought to you by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. The Zimmerman(n) Telegram: at the forefront of yellow journalism.

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An Anthropological Study of the Met Fan, Assuming There Are Any

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Oh wow, a full parking lot? Two hours before the game? Man these fans must be dedica…oh wait, that’s probably just people parking for the US Open across the street.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 1.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 6 IP, 3 H, 5 BB, 1 ER, 6 K. Tonight can be best described as “Gio Gone Wild.” Gio was not in a proper mindset, doing crazy things that didn’t reflect well on him. But he still gave pleasure to millions of people watching. If only he had flashed his breasts too.

Shame of the Game:

Kelly Shoppach: 0-3, 1 E. Shoppach dropped an easy foul ball by Kurt Suzuki. And you know what they say. You never give Kurt Suzuki a second chance. Unless you’re the Nationals, who gave Kurt Suzuki a second chance after Oakland. Kurt homered, and Zim did as well shortly after, as Kelly looked on regretting the biggest mistake he’s ever made.

———-

About two weeks ago, my writing partner took a trip to Philadelphia during which he filed this report. It was an insightful look into an unfamiliar territory, although I wouldn’t recommend looking again because some of those fans are just so grotesque. I thought it would be a fantastic idea to continue to expose our readers to fanbases they may not have seen in their own element before.

On Monday night, I went to Citi Field to see the Nationals play the Mets. I expected to see multiple signs that said “garage sale,” looking to raise funds for their losses to Bernie Madoff, but was surprisingly met by people carrying on as normal. I entered the stadium and began to take note of what I saw. My report is detailed below.

Continue reading

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

———-

We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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Tasty Morsels: Homers Help Nats Chow Down on Houston

Lucas Harrell forgot his sled, and the fact that it wasn’t snowing, and the fact that he was supposed to be pitching. But he’s persistent. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Astros 0

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-3, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Morse’s first home run was a tape measure shot, and I don’t mean everyone’s favorite drink where you grind up a tape measure and mix it with vodka.

Shame of the Game:

The Houston Astros franchise. It doesn’t get much more shameful than playing for them, or being otherwise employed by them, or hoping they’ll win.

——–

On Sunday night, the Astros probably lay in bed thinking “man, the only way this season could get worse is if we got swept by the Nationals.” Not just because such an outcome would be demoralizing, but also because literally the only result of a four game series that would actually cause the Astros’ winning percentage to go down significantly would be a sweep.

The Astros’ season just got worse.

It’s pretty sad. Beating the Astros is kinda like walking down the street and shoving children into oncoming traffic. Or assassinating someone who’s already hanging from a noose. Or setting a retirement home on fire. Or telling Tom Gorzelanny’s date that he has an STD. Just cruel. Continue reading

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