Tag Archives: Chipper Jones

Looking at the NLDS

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Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

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Nationals Win the NL East

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I had no idea the Pirates would be so happy for us.

With a win tonight, the Nationals have won the NL East. No, it wasn’t a Nationals win, it was a win by the Pirates. The Pirates winning tied into a team becoming division champs? That’s rarer than Haley’s Comet.

The Nationals lost vs. the Phillies, but who cares. We’re division champs. We’re safe from the wild card, which to be honest, always did fuck me over in Uno. I’m glad we can sit back and bask in the glory of a divisional title, while Atlanta fights for their lives. Better fight for them while they still matter, cause you have nothing to live for once Chipper is gone.

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K-9: Strasburg Fetches Us a Win, Even with Neutering Soon to Come

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“So you’re telling me that even if I use this arm they won’t let me pitch past September 12th?” (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Cardinals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 9 K. Push it to the innings limit. Innings limit! Past the point of no return. You’ve reached the top, but now you’re gonna learn that this is a very bad idea. Paul Engemann wrote the song well before he knew that the Nats would be preventing more starts like this. I think he should amend those lyrics.

Shame of the Game:

Lance Lynn: Loss, 1 IP, 4 H, 2 ER. Cards fans must be experiencing Lynnsanity! Sadly, this spelling of the affliction suggests severe depression as opposed to excitement.

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The Nationals are safe for 20 more years. Safe from being as pitiful as the 1993-2011 Pittsburgh Pirates. For 19 years, the Pirates ended up below .500 season after season. From 2006-2011, the Nationals played a quality of ball very successful in imitating those 19 years in Pittsburgh. Thankfully they weren’t old enough to suck that much over and over on camera. There is an age limit for going into porn after all. But as they stood about 1/3 of the way to the record before tonight, they have to start all over again. With tonight’s win, we will not finish with a losing record this season, for the first time since the first year in Washington. In fact, we might end up with a winning record for the first time ever. Unless we lose 29 straight games. Which we can all rightfully blame on Strasburg’s innings limit. So quickly Rizzo, let’s not go ahead and do that.

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Chipper Jones Out of All-Star Final Vote

Chipper Jones tries to explain away the ground-up human flesh in the garbage. His bat is not convinced.

Whether because he was named as a replacement to the All-Star team for the injured Matt Kemp or because he’s too ashamed to face the scrutiny of voters now that he’s been exposed as a mass-murderer (who can really say), Chipper Jones has dropped out of the NL All-Star Final Vote. This undoubtedly increases the odds of Bryce Harper. He has one less competitor and, in particular, one less competitor who’s likely to kill him and feed his corpse to a woodchipper. So that’s good news all around.

The only man remaining ahead of Harper in the vote is David Freese. So keep voting for Bryce and ‘freese’ David’s vote total right where it is.*

*Note: a vote for Bryce does not necessarily constitute a vote for that pun, which you might not have liked. You probably shouldn’t have liked it if you did.

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Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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Atlanta Braves Kidnap Chad Durbin

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You can see the fear in his eyes.

The Atlanta Braves announced today that they had signed Chad Durbin, meaning that Ryan Mattheus will likely get the final Nationals spot in the bullpen. While the bullpen controversy has been solved, another one has emerged. The Atlanta Braves and Frank Wren have committed a horrific and illegal act and kidnapped Chad Durbin.

The Nationals have yet to announce Durbin’s release from the team, meaning that he was most likely taken by Chipper Jones in the night. If you see Durbin wearing a Braves uniform and looking happy, it’s probable that he is experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. Please save him and return him to the Nationals.

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