Tag Archives: Cincinnati Reds

1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:


Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.

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One Win, Two Loss, Reds Win, Blue Fish: A Reds Series Recap


We’re not sure if someone made a joke, or if Davey just finds his full diaper to be warm and comforting.

You might be asking yourself, “What is this series recap for? Why no individual game recaps? Where are my pants?” The answers: Less work for us but a higher quality of posts, don’t worry we’ll still be doing them on occasion, and I took them. But lets not worry about pants and crimes. Let’s worry about baseball, specifically the series between the Nationals and Reds over the weekend.

Game 1:


Harper waits to be informed of the weather using the time-trusted method of fans sticking their hands out to see if its raining.

Reds 15, Nationals 0.

If you’re a big Nats fan like me, you really enjoyed watching…whatever was on the first channel I could turn to in order to get away from this horrible terrible game. Unless of course you couldn’t find the remote, and you were too lazy or obese to move from the couch to turn away from this hellish game. Sorry you had to endure that, Livan.

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Nats Sign Bill Bray


Yes Bill, I see the ball. No need to show off, it’s not that impressive.

There’s no better follow up to the announcement of Zach Duke Week than a post having nothing to do with Zach Duke. The Nationals have brought back former-Nat Bill Bray on a minor league deal. Bray pitched for the team in 2006 before being traded with Royce Clayton (yes, the Hall of Fame candidate), Brendan Harris, Gary Majewski, and Daryl Thompson to the Reds for Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner. With Bray coming back to us I think we definitely won this trade. I was on the fence about Jim Bowden as GM, but now I fully support him.

Bray was a 2004 1st-round pick for the Expos. How he ended up in the Nationals organization, well I’m not sure. There’s no record of a trade between the two teams or anything. It’s as if Bray just appeared in our organization in 2005. Weird.

What? Bowden isn’t GM anymore? Huh…

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A Minor Catastrophe: Nats Get Swept by Braves

The game is so depressing that Ian Desmond tries to strangle himself. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game: 

Chad Durbin: 1 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 1 K. Just in case this is the last time I get to say it this year…Dur.



Shame of the Game: 

Mark DeRosa: 0-1. What is he still doing here? Did we just forget he was on the team because he’s so boring? Who was supposed to get this at-bat? Are we sure they’re still alive?



Jon Miller: Welcome to Sunday Night Baseball. I’m Jon Miller, and this is my partner Joe-

Joe Morgan: Joe Mogrom.

Miller: Morgan.

Morgan: Mortgage.

Morgan: Joe Morgan.

Miller: Tonight, divisional rivals Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves battle it out in a potential playoff preview. These are two great teams–what do you think is the key to the game, Joe?

Morgan: Well, Gio Gonzalez has a chance to get his 20th win tonight. That would really put him strongly in Cy Young contention. And if he does that, I think the Nationals might have a real shot in the playoffs with a 20 game winner on their staff.

Miller: Great point, Joe. Alright, let’s get to the starting lineups. Leading off for the Nationals, Carlos BelTRAN.

Morgan: That’s not Carlos Beltan, that’s Jayson Werth.

Miller: What? Oh, yeah. Batting second… Continue reading

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Red Alert: Joey Votto Exists: Nats’ Bats Less than Votto’s as Reds Take Finale


Before today’s game, Adam LaRoche realizes that the cock shots he sent to a fan were a bad idea. (Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)

Final Score: Reds 9, Nationals 6.

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 2 RBI, 1 BB, 1 K. How sad does Danny winning this make you? This sad? I thought so.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: Loss, Blown save, .2 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 4 ER. Oh, Henry. That wasn’t pretty. Tonight, Joey Votto took advantage and made you look like a fool. At least it wasn’t the most embarrassing instance of Joey for National. The National Broadcasting Company made this mistake with Joey years ago. Will we ever learn?

Nearly 4 hours. That’s how long I had to wait to see the Nationals play a baseball game today. Nearly 8 hours. That’s how long I had to wait to see the Nationals lose a baseball game today. You know what I could’ve done in this time? I could’ve painted a picture. I could’ve eaten lunch. I could’ve…I was going to say more but it took me nearly 8 hours to come up with those first two. I haven’t been this upset about waiting so long to see a Nationals success story only to be disappointed since 2005-2011.

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With Little Help From My “Friends”: Zimmermann Gets By Despite No Support

This impromptu game of Patty Cake between Henry Rodriguez and Jesus Flores really disrupted the drama of the bottom of the 9th.

Dame of the Game: Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 9 K. One day Zimmermann’s collection of 7 innings, 1 run performances is going to be worth a lot of money, assuming his parents don’t throw it out.

Shame of the Game: Bryce Harper: 0-4, K, 5 LOB. It is a time-honored baseball tradition that the best way to break a slump is to hit yourself in the face with a bat. Surprisingly, this did not work for Bryce Harper.


For one inning, Jordan Zimmermann thought he had a friend on the Nationals. Someone who didn’t hate him so much that he would deprive him of any run support and the chance to get a win. Wilson Ramos, Jordan’s catcher, hit a home run in the top of the 5th to support his pitcher. Jordan couldn’t wait to run home to his parents and tell them that he made a new friend. No sooner had Jordan walked to the mound feeling for the first time a sense of being liked than his new friend tore his ACL. The moral of the story is clear: no one one should ever befriend Jordan Zimmermann or else you’ll get horribly injured.  Continue reading

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Leake-y Reds Make Mess: Nats Win Game, Support of McCarthyists

Since I am on my phone, I can’t get a picture off the internet. This is my representation of the game.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Reds 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-5, 1 R, 3 RBI, 1 HR, 1 SB, 1 K. This is the type of shark attack I like to see. No death, no mangled limbs, and the only reason people will feel like they’re losing so much blood is because it’ll be rushing from their heads to their erections that come about due to how well Shark is doing.

Shame of the Game:

Mike Leake: Loss, 3 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. While some teams hire personal translators, the Reds have put out feelers for a personal plumber to prevent anymore Leake-ing. He really just causes a great big mess.

Last night’s game marked the second straight Gio start that the Nats’ bats have come alive and scored 7 runs. I really am starting to believe that Gio-thermal energy is the best form of energy, just look at how poorly other energy means have worked in powering this team to victory. When Davey Johnson stuck nuclear rods of plutonium into each players back pocket, did it work? No, Tom Gorzelanny just became even more mutated (hard to tell though). When Mike Rizzo put coal in everyone’s locker did they excel and win? No, they all broke down in tears thinking Santa wasn’t coming. The Nats need Gio-thermal energy.

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A Reds Led Redemption: Nats Fail to Sweep, House is Very Dirty


I'm seeing double here. Four Jackies!

Final Score: Reds 8, Nationals 5 (11 innings).

Dame of the Game:

Jackie Robinson. No, this isn’t meant to pay homage to Jackie Robinson. I’m just not good with faces and was confused by the jerseys. The volume on my TV broke and I can’t hear the announcers. I don’t know who is who!

Shame of the Game:

Jackie Robinson. Please, help. I’m so confused. 50 Jackie Robinsons is too many Jackie Robinsons. Unless… They can’t all be Jackie Robinson, can they? Was he cloned? Is Jackie Robinson alive again? What an age we live in.

Today was a day meant to honor Jackie Robinson, the first black player to play in the MLB. As the Nats were distracted with this, a team with a name that relates to two other groups of people that America has oppressed was able to win the game. The Reds, those dirty filthy commies and/or rightful owners of the land we live on, avoided being swept by beating the Nationals. Now I feel everything is pretty even, so no more dwelling on McCarthyism and genocidal acts.

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Voorhees a Jolly Good Fellow: Jayson Slays Reds in 13th, on 13th


Votto pleaded with LaRoche to give him another chance. But Adam knows better.

Final Score: Nationals 2, Reds 1 (13 innings).

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 3 K. Another strong showing from Zimmermann, another pathetic offensive backing that fails to get him the win. It’s not like Jordan needs Amman-ster day from his offense. Come on!

Shame of the Game:

Sean Marshall: The Loss, .1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 ER. None of the Reds messed up too bad today, but Marshall was certainly the worst. I imagine that in the post game interviews that the Reds will all share the blame for the loss. That’s their ideology.

What a game. I don’t know how to describe it. In that I’ve begun writing this before it’s actually gone final.

Oh, there we go.

What a great game! The Nats are riding high after two walkoff wins to open their ballpark this season. Disclaimer: Riding high is fine when someone sober is driving. It was a fantastic pitching effort yet again for Washington, with a not so fantastic offensive effort. Odd at how that works out, since in sexual culture the pitcher is the more offensive force. I guess the Washington Nationals are a completely misinformed organization when it comes to sex. Fair, it must be hard to get a woman, or even a model of a vagina near that clubhouse while Gorzelanny’s in it.

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Simon Says Wild Pitch: Nats Overcome Lidge Failure to Win in 10

Alfredo Simon only wishes he could touch Ryan Zimmerman's moves.
(Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Reds 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 7 IP, 0 R, 2 H, 0 BB, 7 K. I’m no professor of Giology, but I’m pretty sure this is the right way to do it.

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: 1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, BS (Blown Save, Bull Shit, Brad Sucks, Bad Socks, Bursting Sacks. All of these are applicable to this performance). I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since the Nats signed Lidge this moment with something other than “excitement.” It was more like the feeling you get when all the engines blow up on your plane and the pilot simultaneously decides that now is the time to start writing that novel he’d always planned.

It was a lovely opening day at Nationals Park. Sunny, kind of cold, filled with masses of people decked out in red that were hopefully Nats fans but it was kind of hard to tell since they were playing the Reds. Gio Gonzalez was awesome, providing some small comfort to the Nats fans who had blown their entire fortune on creating a line of Brad Peacock shirts that said “Check Out My Plumage.” Bad business decision by any standard, really. The offense wasn’t particularly good, but hey, that’s what happens when you have a bad offense. The best hitter on the Nationals this year continues to be…*quiver*…Ian…*shudder*…Desmond…*thrash*…who went… *convulsion*…3-5 on the day…*seizure*. Continue reading

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