Tag Archives: clowns

Nationals Offer Terms of Surrender to Phillies

The following telegram from Washington, DC to Philadelphia was intercepted this morning at 08:52 hours and is presented here exclusively by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram.

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To:

Ruben Amaro
Philadelphia Phillies Foreign Ministry

The war is over. You all but conceded defeat when you traded away two of your best warriors on July 31. When the war began, even our own strategists predicted that it would be a long war of attrition stretching through summer deep into the autumn months. Instead, our victory was swift and decisive.

And yet, you keep fighting. Why? It is futile. It will only cause more suffering to the young men and their families on both sides, all to no purpose. Your two recent victories have done little to delay your inevitable defeat.

If you continue to resist, the consequences may be severe. I’m not saying for sure that we will send Sean Burnett riding a nuclear bomb into the heart of Philadelphia. But I’m saying we’ll probably do it. “Two birds with one nuclear bomb,” and all that. Plus, if there were ever a person I’d describe as “Dr. Strange Love,” it’s Sean Burnett.

It’d almost be a shame not to nuke Philadelphia, the idea is so perfect.

If you’d like to avoid that outcome, we have a proposal for you: surrender. These are our terms. Continue reading

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Well Mets: Nats Happy to See, Beat Funniest Team in Baseball

The ball wasn’t even moving, and they still ended up like this trying to get it. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-4, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB. Bryce, Bryce baby.

Shame of the Game:

Pedro Beato: .1 IP, 4 ER, 4 H, BB. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Oh, were you so horrible because you sneezed every time you tried to throw a pitch?

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Ah, The Mets. They’re not that bad, really. Their actual baseball talent level this year is better than most people expected it to be. Their ability to lose baseball games in the most hilarious and soul-annihilating-to-their-fans ways possible, however, is exactly what people expected it to be: fantastic. They’re the best. No one can top them at this highly not-coveted skill. They are the baseball team equivalent of a sad clown.

The Nats had a lovely evening out at the circus last night. The whole event wasn’t a comedy, of course. They spent the first 9 innings admiring the impressive skills of the performers, who kept the game tied at two through some tight rope-walking by starter Chris Young and impressive feats of strength from strongmen David Wright and Ike Davis. They even had a bearded lady named R.A. Dickey. Continue reading

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Harry Reid Quotes Bryce Harper in Press Conference

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A meeting of two of the most influential men in Washington. Interrupted by Harry Reid. (Not shown is Barack Obama having been thrown to the ground so Reid could smell Harper more closely).

While speaking to reporters on Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid replied to a question in a way that Bryce Harper recently made famous. Either in response to a silly inquiry by a normal man or a normal inquiry by a man with a big red nose and makeup (I’m not sure which), Reid replied, “I don’t want to answer that question, that’s a clown question, bro.” The reply by Reid drew laughs from the crowd, but attacks from the Clown Anti-Defamation League who are sick of these attacks from these men. “So what if they’re clown questions? They still deserve the same rights as other questions, especially the right to be answered!” said clown civil rights leader Martin Luther *Honk Honk*, Jr.

Reid has expressed his fandom of the fellow Nevada-born Harper in the past. But he is not the first senator to quote a favorite baseball player and fellow state citizen. Below or some examples of past instances.

Continue reading

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Civil War: Yankees Win Battle in Sportsmanlike and Reasonable Manner

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With his on-field skill on the decline, Xavier Nady seeks to help the team in other ways. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 7, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Morse was one of the few bright spots tonight, but just like with the Titanic, it could not save the Nationals. Although we all know which event caused greater losses because let’s be honest, it would’ve been a big deal to beat the Yankees. Ugh, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 3 ER. Bad Lidge (that’s right, I said it) is bad. He’s been terrible since returning from his injury, leading me to believe there must be something wrong. Yet we keep sending him out there looking for a win, just like a selfish trainer might send his race horse out despite injury. I think the next time we see Lidge struggling to finish what we asked of him, just like a race horse we should put him down right there on the field, and take away the pain.

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The Yankees can buy a lot of things. They can buy the best players. They can buy the nicest amenities for fans. They can buy the souls of young children to feed the ever growing lust for them that the Steinbrenner family has. But there is one thing the Yankees cannot buy, and that is a win. However they still do get wins, it’s not like they’re a team of completely immobile old men (note: A-Rod is just a semi-immobile old man).

One of those wins came tonight as the Nationals and Yankees opened up a series at Nationals Park. It marks the first time the teams faced off since 2009, when the Nationals took 2 of 3 at Yankee Stadium, and ended up winning 59 games and a last place finish. Before that in 2006, the Nationals took 2 of 3 in Washington, and ended up winning 71 games and a last place finish. For the love of God you Yankees, please don’t let us take 2 of 3 again.

Continue reading

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Thoughts on Day 3 of the Draft

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“With the first pick of the draft, I do this.”

The final day of the 2012 MLB Amateur Draft is complete, meaning it’s time for another article to determine the value of the Nationals’ draftees solely based on their names, since honestly who knows much anything about how good they actually are? The MLB Draft is a marathon every year, with dozens of rounds, hundreds of picks, and 1-2 people paying attention. Now that it’s finally done, let’s look back at who the Nationals took in rounds 16-40.

Pick 504: Ronald Pena. Not Carlos Pena as the McDonald’s mascot. I’m not sure if I should say sadly, or thankfully.

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Thankfully, definitely. Oh god. This is nightmarish.

Continue reading

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