Tag Archives: cocaine

Nats Acquire Denard Span

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Denard’s mother believes having discipline is important for baseball, and still believes in spankings to enforce it. Denard is not fond of spankings. Or as his mom calls them, “SPANkings.”

The Nationals pulled off a big trade just minutes ago, acquiring Denard Span from the Twins for pitching prospect Alex Meyer. The team has been trying to find a solid CF for a few years, and have made many attempts at Denard during that Span of time. The (front) Office has done good by bringing in Denard Dog.

Span has dealt with injuries for a few years, but when playing he’s a big on-base threat and a quality fielder. While this would be a good acquisition for any team, it means a lot for the Nationals. The move allows Werth and Harper to move to the corner outfield spots, making Morse or Moore a valuable trade chip, and the re-signing of LaRoche not such a sure thing. I’m sure Adam would be worried about what this means for his future with the Nats, if he hadn’t already been distracted by 3 separate topics in the last 5 minutes.

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Do The Nationals Enable Underage Drinkers?

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Clearly yes, as seen above. Oh that’s Mike Rizzo? I thought it was a giant baby.

For a while I wondered what the Nationals would do if they clinched a playoff spot when it came to celebration. Most teams celebrate with champagne and beer, but with 19-year old Bryce Harper on the team, that clearly wasn’t a legal option. Certain teams have taken steps to cater to teammates’ needs, such as the Rangers using soda to celebrate with Josh Hamilton. The Nationals could have done something similar for the youthful Bryce. Chocolate milk, perhaps?

But no, the Nationals, Bryce included, celebrated using using alcohol last night. I hate to do it, but I think we should call for the arrest of those involved. In a game like baseball we cannot allow underage drinking to thrive. Steroids, prostitutes and cocaine, that’s fine. But underage alcohol use, no way.

Now I’m sure Bryce might say that he wasn’t consuming the beer and only using it to spray on people, citing his religious beliefs. He famously denied that he would drink alcohol while in Canada earlier this year. Come on Bryce. Are we supposed to believe that? People who handle cocaine don’t just throw it everywhere to make it feel like Christmas. People who use LSD don’t just glue the paper over a spelling mistake when they’re out of white out. Bryce, stop clowning around.

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Sit ’em Down John, Sit ’em Down John: Lannan Shuts Mets Out in Return

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I am blessed with fame yet again.

Final Score: Nationals 2, Mets 0.

Dame of the Game:

John Lannan: Win, 5.2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 2 K, 0 R. Stephen who? In his third start of the year, Lannan pitched excellently to lower his ERA to 2.41. What’s that? Oh yes that’s right, Strasburg. Stephen Strasburg…….god I still miss him.

Shame of the Game:

Jon Rauch: 1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 K. Rauch immediately allowed an important insurance home run to Desmond upon entering. We can all thank him for his first useful contribution to the world since getting that jar down from the top shelf thanks to his height.

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I might be the first person in history to say, “that sure was a fun Mets game, I’ll happily go again soon!” After seeing the Nationals play in Queens on Monday, I decided to go back for Wednesday’s game. It was a thrilling experience, one that I will never forget. Unlike Mets fans, who down a pill bottle after each game to try and develop some sort of amnesia to escape the pain. I took the subway out from Manhattan and found it to be packed. Am I in for a raucous crowd tonight? The answer clearly became “no,” as many of them left 2 stops before proving themselves to be commuters. That “no” was further solidified as I walked past the parking lot, no longer being used as spillover for the US Open.

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An empty parking lot. That makes more sense. Also, a thumb.

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