Tag Archives: Cole Hamels

I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.

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Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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Brawl for All: Nats KO Cubs with 4th Straight Smackdown

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As benches clear and tensions rise, Ian Desmond and the ump share a passionate moment. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Cubs 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: Win, 7 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 2 ER, 9 K. Jordan has returned to form after a few starts that made Nats fans nervous. At least I think this was Jordan… It could very well be Strasburg pulling a Scooby Doo villain-like thing and wearing a very convincing mask. Well if that’s the case, I’m all for it. I’d be sure he’d get away with it too, if it wasn’t  for that meddling GM.

Shame of the Game:

Jayson Werth, for swinging at a 3-0 pitch. Honestly Jayson, how could you?! That is so terrible of you, to want more insurance runs in the middle of a game that could be tied easily. Well, easily if it were a team aside from the Cubs. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before trying to score runs. Which is a strategy that the Cubs have seemed to adopt.

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“You gotta fight! DUM DUM. For your right! To swing at 3-0 pitches!” – From the first draft of the Beastie Boys song, when they were still a baseball themed rap group. They realized there was no chance for being the best though, with the 1986 Mets and their rapping genius.

The only thing the Cubs are successful at is starting strange non-sensical arguments. Maybe they should all run for office as Republicans, they’d be much more successful at that. For some reason on Thursday, they took offense at Jayson Werth swinging at a 3-0 pitch with the bases loaded. Maybe they were just really concerned with balls flying in the air since so many people were on the field. You know what they say, safety first. Or in Wrigley, failure first, safety second. Thankfully for the Cubs, they came through on both ends.

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Bryce Harper: NL Rookie of the Month

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Harper trying to wake himself up to see if he’s dreaming. Or forgetting how to drink water. I’m not really sure.

Bryce Harper is the NL Rookie of the Month for the month of May. Cole Hamels threw a baseball at his television upon finding out this news, only to have Harper somehow manage to achieve squatter’s rights on Hamels’ home and take it from him before he could do anything.

Harper batted .271, with 21 runs, 4 triples, 2 stolen bases, 4 home runs, and 10 RBI during the month. I don’t know why MLB is rewarding such poor performance, this is not the .500, 20 HR, 8 women pregnant just by watching him play type of line I was expecting every month.

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Nats’ Bats Cole-d: Awful Pun is Only Thing to Smile About After Loss

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Shane Victorino desperately tries to avoid touching second base. I guess he just wasn’t in the mood. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Adam LaRoche produced the only runs today. One was the home run, the other was that brown stain running down Papelbon’s backside after being embarrassed.

Shame of the Game:

Cole Hamels: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 8 K. In the past we’ve given this award to people who have done so bad on the opposing team that they gave the Nationals a win. When you think about it, we should be praising those people, and shaming people like Cole Hamels who kept the Nationals from winning today. We should also be leaving flaming bags of poop on his doorstep, mocking his sexual orientation because of his long hair, and spoiling the surprise that Santa doesn’t exist. That’ll show him.

Hey guys, just got back to write this post and I see that my brother filled in the shame of the game already. Let’s see what he said. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ha, yeah, I…what? no. no no no. NOOOOOOOOOO. SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!

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For the second straight Nationals-Phillies series, the Phillies won the finale after losing the first two games. In both of these games, Hamels has pitched 8 innings in a winning effort. It’s become perfectly clear that the Nationals can handle the Phillies except when Cole Hamels is pitching. We need to formulate a better strategy against him. We need to look at tape, study his pitches, and really come to a conclusion on the best way to beat him. I have done just this and might I recommend what I think would be the best strategy for taking on Cole Hamels. Break his legs so we don’t have to play him. I know that players aren’t as willing to resort to violence as they once were. But scary physical experiences have been a part of this game forever. Grabbing and throwing old men. Kicking people in the face. Jose Offerman doing anything. Breaking Cole Hamels’ legs would fit right in! It’s just vintage baseball.

It was a strange day in the life of Jesus Flores. Being one for performing miracles, Jesus tripled. I thought to myself, wow! A catcher getting a triple? If we can have that kind of speedy production out of the catcher spot then maybe losing Ramos won’t be so bad. Then Flores tried stealing a base and failed, reminding me that catchers can’t do things like that. Yet it was still nice to see that miraculous triple. Jesus always reminds us why we believe in and follow him. All 13,500 of us.

The Nats have an off day and then open up a series in Atlanta on friday night. It’ll be a battle between the top two teams in the division, although I expect Washington to come out and beat the Braves. Although we really should’ve saved Jackson for this series. Abusing them is kind of his bread and butter.

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Harper Steals Home, Others Steal Smiles as Nats Lose Bad Finale

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The Nationals celebrate Harper stealing home, interrupting a sad Steve McCatty’s story about his fishing trip. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Phillies 9, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 HBP, 1 SB (Home). There are normal men, and then there is Bryce Harper. What? He’s not a woman? I thought with all that makeup…Oh that was eye black? Ok. Well, Harper may be a man, but he’s a much better one than pretty much everyone else. He made a bloop to left into a double, a pickoff to first into a steal of home, and my feelings about my own success much sadder than they already were.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Perry: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. On a day where Gorzelanny and Burnett pitched, it’s strange that someone else could take this award. But Perry succeeded. Most of the team was doing poorly the whole game, but Perry put the game out of reach in the 9th with this bad bad job. Since the Perry was so unsuccessful, the Nationals failed to riposte in the bottom of the inning.

The only thing Nationals fans will be using their brooms for tonight is to clean up after their fat uncle who eats too much and is very uncoordinated. The “Our Park” series came to a horrific conclusion as the Nationals were overwhelmed in tonight’s game. This game was pretty poor anyway you look at it; you would never think that a baseball game would bear such a striking resemblance to Lenny Dykstra.

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