Tag Archives: Colorado Rockies

Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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Nats Lose 4 in Rule 5

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That’s the number.

The Rule 5 Draft took place today. It’s a draft that often means very little, but sometimes we see a team come across an unknown gem of a player. It produces a lot more gems than the Rule 34 Draft however. Some of that stuff is just too weird to be comfortable with.

This year the Nationals didn’t pick any players, but lost 4 of their own to other teams. Danny Rosenbaum went to the Rockies, Jeff Kobernus to the Tigers, Jack McGeary to Boston, and Hector Nelo to the Dodgers.

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Jordan Zimmermann’s Bizarre World: Nats Start Good, End Bad, Imitate Mass Effect 3

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Todd Helton is doing something so blatantly wrong in this picture. Don’t hit it right at the catcher, send it down the line! Rookie. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 2 K. Despite a thorough fucking of the Rockies, Zimmermann did not receive a win. This example alone should make sabremetrics the clear victor over traditional statistics as a value of what makes a good player.

Shame of the Game:

Sean Burnett: 0 IP, 3 H, 2 ER. Despite a thorough fucking of the house, Burnett did not receive a loss. Nevermind, THIS example alone should make sabremetrics the clear victor over traditional statistics as a value of what makes a good player.

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Host: It’s time to play Family Feud! Let’s get started, give me Jim, give me Davey. Let’s go!

Host: 100 people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board. Name a way you blew Sunday’s game.

*Davey buzzes in*

Davey: Bringing Sean Burnett in.

Host: Show me “Bringing Sean Burnett in!”

*Board reveals that as 5th best answer*

Host: Will you play or pass?

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POMeranz Wonderful: Nats Are Bad, Get Colvin in Their Stockings, Bleachers

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There’s nothing that makes a player/lady run in fear like a charging Tom Gorzelanny. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Rockies 5, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

The Nationals Off-Field Staff. To my knowledge, they did everything at this game well enough. Everyone got into the stadium, got their food, etc. A job well done.

Shame of the Game:

The Nationals On-Field Staff. To my knowledge, they did everything at this game bad enough. Rockies balls left the stadium, fans threw up their food in disgust, etc. A job poorly done.

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Tonight was the 5th Rockies-Nationals matchup of the season. You might remember that for the first game these two teams played this season, I recapped it by comparing it to Rocky I. For tonight’s game, I will recap it by comparing it to Rocky V. So here we go.

This game was as good as Rocky V. Rocky V was awful.

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ScutaRoe v. Wade (and Craig Stammen): Nats Big Comeback Aborted in 11th

“I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun Marco Scutaro” –Dexter Fowler’s thoughts (AP Photo/Chris Schneider)

Final Score: Rockies 11, Nationals 10

Dame of the Game: 

Bryce Harper: 2-6, HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 3 K. It’s a shame Harper’s first game tying 9th inning home run couldn’t have come in a winning effort. Kind of selfish of him. Why didn’t he save it for a game they were going to win?

Shame of the Game: 

Edwin Jackson: 3 IP, 8 ER, 10 H, 2 BB, 5 K. My mother once told me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I have to say something here. Uh…what a wonderful K/9 you had today, Edwin Jackson.

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Remember the good old days? Things were nicer back then, simpler. People talked to each other face to face. The government didn’t force you to be healthy. The undesirables weren’t allowed to vote. And best of all, Nationals games were low-scoring. Ah, how I long for those days. The warm summer’s breeze blowing on my face as I listened to pitchers duels on my transistor radio. Frolicking among the corn fields as Brad Lidge blew saves. It was a better age. Well, except for the Brad Lidge part.

But that age is gone now. It’s a terrifying new world we face, one where not just the Nationals but their opponents score runs. Lots of runs. More runs than I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Yesterday was the worst case of all. BOTH the Nationals AND the Rockies scored 10 runs in the first 9 innings. That would have been simply unheard of back in the good old days. Does no one else remember what this great nation used to stand for? Low taxes. States rights. Segregation. And good quality pitching. Continue reading

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Edwar-ding Off The Demons: Nationals Offense Surpasses Expectations Again By Not Being No-Hit

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Ian Desmond wonders if the Nationals’ “no high five” policy actually exists, or was an excuse to avoid touching him since he picks his nose a lot. (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Rockies 5.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 3-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 2 RBI. I bet Moore wished he played in Coors Moore often because he’d hit a lot Moore home runs. Moore than that, he’s driving in runs Moore consistently and proving to be a Moore valuable asset out of the bottom of the lineup than expected. What a tasty little Moore-sel Tyler has turned out to be.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 1 IP, 3 H, 2 ER, 1 K. Wang responded to his demotion to the bullpen with an effort that validated his demotion to the bullpen. Say what you want about him being bad, but I know why he did so bad. He really cares about Davey Johnson’s feelings and just wanted to make Davey feel confident in his choice. He is a very caring individual. And a very bad pitcher.

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Is theft of property illegal? I hope not because I like Coors Field, and frankly, I want the Nationals to steal it. I don’t know what’s helped the Nationals offense score 23 runs these past 2 days, but I’m a fan. Maybe it’s the offensive reputation of the park, maybe it’s the terrible terrible pitching that the Rockies seem to have, or maybe we’re all in a drug-induced daze and the Nationals haven’t in fact scored 23 runs these past 2 days. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the first two, I mean they say to take two Advils for a headache, right? I did just that, two jars of Advil. And I couldn’t feel more clearheaded. Sfaoinfweiofnew buta taosdij epiear  eaoirierejo :0

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Runs, Runs, What Are They Good For? Quite A Lot, Actually

“Come on Michael, stop grabbing my boob and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Rockies 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 2 HR, 3 R, 3 RBI, BB, 2 K. Wow, a Dame of the Game where my only choices weren’t the starting pitcher, someone from the other team, or F. P. Santangelo. Of course if I had my way, F. P. would be the Dame of every Game, but rules are rules.

Shame of the Game:

Guillermo Moscoso: 1.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, 1 BB, 3 K. If I were a Rockies fan, now’s about when I’d be starting a “Guillermo to the Guillotine” campaign.

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A man trudges across a desert. He has been among the sand dunes and under the hot sun for weeks, months–he can’t even remember how long. His sense of time has melted in the heat. He has managed to survive this long on the meager supplies in his pack, but he is almost out. He can feel the end approaching. His strength is all but gone. 

The man tries to scale one more dune, but the effort is too great. He collapses to the sand. “Runs,” he croaks, gazing up at the angry sun, “I need runs.” It had been so long since he’d had enough runs to satisfy his thirst. But he can’t give up. If he does, he’ll die. He claws his way up to the crest of the dune.

And then…he sees it. An oasis. At first he doesn’t believe his eyes. A mirage, he thinks. His mind must be playing tricks on him. But no. It’s too real. It’s unmistakable. It’s…Coors Field.

The man knows he will live to trudge another day. Continue reading

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Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

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“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.

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Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

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