Tag Archives: communism

To Each According to His Ability: Cuba Refuses to Share With China in Shutout

Fidel Castro comes out of retirement and near-death to lead the Cuban squad to victory.

Fidel Castro comes out of retirement and near-death to lead the Cuban squad to victory

Final Score: Cuba 12, China 0

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The diplomatic feud between Castro and Mao in 1965-66

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You would think that Cuba and China would be the best of friends. They’re both Communist. They’re both, uh…well okay, that’s their only similarity. But still, it’s a pretty big one.

Well, you would think wrong. Sure, they got along well enough at first, after the Cuban revolution in 1959. But the commu-honeymoon didn’t last for long. Fidel Castro started trying to reconcile the People’s Republic of China and the Soviet Union after Nikita Kruschev was deposed, but China was having none of it. After a few failed attempts at diplomacy in Beijing, Castro started calling China some mean names and accusing China of spreading some mean anti-Cuba propaganda. Relations grew increasingly frigid, culminating in the collapse of economic negotiations in 1966.

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Your First Place 2012 Washington Nationals Men’s Gymnastics Team

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The Nationals showing off their new alternate uniforms.

Rookie hazing is a part of baseball. It’s kind of like fraternity hazing, only there’s a lot less alcohol involved. Unless you’re a member of the Houston Astros, where that is the only thing to numb the harsh reality that you’re a Houston Astro. Thanks to a tweet from Gio Gonzalez, we found out just how the Nationals are hazing their rookies; by making them dress up as the 2012 USA women’s Olympic gymnastics team.

Well now just who is who? Which National is which Gold Medalist Olympian?

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Johan-nes Bombs: Santana Composes Very Flat Work

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Morse just loves the smell of his finger. …I don’t want to know where it’s been. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Mets 4.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI. The horse had just one hit. But does this mean he had a bad performance? Neigh!

Shame of the Game:

Johan Santana: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 6 ER, 4 K. Yo Han, maybe focus a bit more on quality pitching and a bit less on smuggling goods throughout space. Although it is very important for baseball players to learn a profession to use for after retirement. Scratch what I just said.

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Mike Morse and Johan Santana have taken two different paths back from injury; Morse has taken the path of success, while Johan has taken the path of playing for the Mets. His supporting cast aside, Johan has done poorly on his own, notably going 0-5 with a 15.63 ERA in his last five starts. When asked what was causing these problems, Johan just kept claiming that he thought it was Opposite Day. This wouldn’t usually work, but considering that most people running things in baseball have the mental capacity of a five year old, everyone seemed fine with letting Johan continue to pitch.

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No Double Plays Defense: Throwback Giants Throw Back Giant Mistake

Santiago Casilla experiments with throwing his shoe to first instead of the baseball, with predictably poor results. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Giants 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, RBI, K. I’m not giving this to him because of his near-disastrous-game-winning-should-have-been-inning-ending-double-play ball, but for his successful bunt off Matt Cain in the 4th. Instead of being a stubborn ass-mule like every other left-handed hitter who’s ever been shifted on, he sucked up his “I’m a real man who hunts animals, gets tattoos and never bunts” pride, bunted to the left side, and easily got a hit. I hate every lefty who has never done this obviously correct thing.

Shame of the Game:

Brandon Crawford: No at-bats, Horrible Fielding Mistake That Ended The Game. Thank goodness for Brandon Crawford and his comrade-in-failure Brandon Belt, who Brandoned together to save Adam LaRoche from my hatred and prevent Sean Burnett from having the opportunity to probably blow the game.

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Thursday night was “Turn Back the Clock” night at Nationals Park, and the year that the clock was being turned to was 1924. Consequently, I will tell the story of this game using the important events of 1924 as a metaphor.

January 23: Vladimir Lenin dies; Bottom of the 2nd: Nationals score a run. The Russian Revolution rabble-rouser’s death is good news for American democracy and free enterprise worldwide, but it is marred by the fact that Josef Stalin, who will ultimately begin the Cold War, soon begins consolidating power. Similarly, the small victory of the Nationals going up 1-0 is marred by the fact that it happened on an Ian Desmond-struck double play ball.

February 22:  Calvin Coolidge is sworn in as the President of the United States; 1st-5th innings: Ross Detwiler gives up three runs on 11 hits. Both of these events are decidedly mediocre.

April 1: Hitler’s Beer Hall Putsch; Bottom of the 4th: Adam LaRoche bunts for a hit. Both Hitler’s and LaRoche’s actions were revolutionary, but both ultimately failed at the time. The Putsch was put down and Hitler arrested, and Ian Desmond struck out to end the inning. Continue reading

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Nats Offense is Flaccid and Placid in 5th Straight Loss

We all know you're on the Nationals, Bryce Harper. Stop trying to hide it. It's not that embarrassing. (Also, your pullover kinda gives it away) (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 1-1, 2B, R. He did nothing wrong, unlike everyone else.

Shame of the Game:

The whole offense: Ugly. So ugly they made Trevor Cahill look handsome. Well, not really.

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Happy International Workers Day, everybody. Today is a day when we celebrate the proletariat, the poor, the downtrodden, the have-nots. And who has less than the Nationals offense these days? If runs were wealth, the Nationals would be living in a hovel made out of wealthy peoples’ litter, eating their own pets and drinking each others’ saliva. They’d be camping outside Nationals Park with signs that say “We Are the 99%,” which would be a total lie because they’re really only about the 3.3% of baseball players and everyone else gets a normal amount of runs.

But runs aren’t wealth.  Money is wealth, and the Nationals hitters are making plenty of money. So they really have no right to be celebrating May Day by not scoring any runs in solidarity with the billions of oppressed workers worldwide. Yet that’s exactly what they did. These days,  I don’t even bother to watch Nationals games until the 5th inning or so because I can be pretty confident that no one’s scored yet. Granted, today was another “let’s screw over Jordan Zimmermann” day, but even after the Mermann swam out of the game the offensive performance was underwhelming. “But maybe Trevor Cahill is just a fabulous, Hall of Fame-bound pitcher,” you say. Stop saying that, it’s stupid. Continue reading

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