Tag Archives: conspiracies

Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:

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Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

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You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats

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They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.

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I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.

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