Tag Archives: crime

Washington Nationals and Their Run-ins with Crime

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Never rear-end a guy who’s head is shaped like a box.

Earlier today, Nationals manager Matt Williams was involved in a hit and run accident while giving an interview to a DC radio station. While you would think something like this is uncommon, it has in fact happened many times throughout the years to members of the Nationals. Below is a list of some of the more memorable times when Nationals players had a run in with the law while on the air.

1. While giving a phone interview while walking through downtown DC, Jordan Zimmermann’s backpack was snatched by a man running by. However Jordan was able to successfully catch the thief after getting him to slow down to a walking pace, since Jordan doesn’t allow any runs.

2. During a Skype interview in the comfort of his own home, Rafael Soriano experienced a case of breaking and entering. The criminal was successful in kidnapping Soriano’s family, after Rafael blew the chance to save them.

3. In a similar case to Williams, Wilson Ramos also dealt with a hit and run while giving an interview while driving. However unlike Williams, Ramos was critically injured, broke every bone in his body and now uses several colostomy bags.

4. In a post-game locker room interview, the entire Nationals team was cited for indecent exposure. They are now required to wear bathing suits in the shower.

5. While giving an interview together during a goodwill trip to the Middle East, Tyler Clippard and Drew Storen were arrested and sentenced to death after being mistaken for a gay couple. They were later freed and returned to the U.S., where they continue to live together, work together, and share a twin bed together.

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1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:

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Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.

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New York on Sunday, Nats Offense Taking a Nap

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What a bad teacher.

Final Score: Mets 2, Nationals 0.

Belle of the Ball: Anthony Rendon. Rendon had a terrible debut, going 0 for 4 and making an error. But there’s no reason to hurt his confidence now. We need to support him in this new experience, and give him our praise hoping he will become a star.

But if he ever goes 0 for 4 again I will disown him.

Smell of the Ball: Jayson Werthless. Get what I did there with the name? It’s a funny pun, since his name is Werth and he is HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD YOU SWING AT A 3-0 PITCH WHEN THE PITCHER WASN’T THROWING STRIKES. COULD YOU BE MORE STUPID? THE ANSWER IS NO, UNLESS YOU WENT BACK INTO THE CLUBHOUSE AND SCRAPED PAINT OFF THE WALL AND JUST ATE IT FOR HOURS, WHICH IS NOW WHAT I’M GUESSING YOU DID BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD HAVE HAD THE BASES LOADED AND 0 OUT BUT INSTEAD THE WORLD IS OVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

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Henry Rodriguez finds comfort in another man who has trouble throwing strikes.

Today was Ron Darling Bobblehead Day at Citi Field. Many teams have special tributes to the players honored with the toy during these games. The Phillies recently hosted a Lenny Dykstra bobblehead day where food vendors would take all the money in your wallet when you tried to pay for something. The Cardinals, during Ozzie Smith bobblehead day, all tried to do backflips, resulting in serious neck injuries for most. And of course how could we forget the Giants’s Fred Merkle bobblehead day, where every player had to play with a boner.

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Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

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One Win, Two Loss, Reds Win, Blue Fish: A Reds Series Recap

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We’re not sure if someone made a joke, or if Davey just finds his full diaper to be warm and comforting.

You might be asking yourself, “What is this series recap for? Why no individual game recaps? Where are my pants?” The answers: Less work for us but a higher quality of posts, don’t worry we’ll still be doing them on occasion, and I took them. But lets not worry about pants and crimes. Let’s worry about baseball, specifically the series between the Nationals and Reds over the weekend.

Game 1:

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Harper waits to be informed of the weather using the time-trusted method of fans sticking their hands out to see if its raining.

Reds 15, Nationals 0.

If you’re a big Nats fan like me, you really enjoyed watching…whatever was on the first channel I could turn to in order to get away from this horrible terrible game. Unless of course you couldn’t find the remote, and you were too lazy or obese to move from the couch to turn away from this hellish game. Sorry you had to endure that, Livan.

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Looking at the NLDS

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Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

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The ‘Kakis a Lie: 11th Inning Homer Portals Orioles Over Nats

“Ha ha, you hit yourself in the face with a bat.” (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. 8 innings, 8 strikeouts, 8 wives, or at least he deserves that many after this game.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 HR, 1 H, Loss. Mattheus coughed up the game winner like a disgusting ball of orange phlegm, feathers and a hint of crab cakes.

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The storyline of this first Battle of the Beltway of 2012 was clear: whenever Baltimore and Washington have played each other in the past, they have both been miserable excuses for baseball teams. Watching these events used to be roughly as uncomfortable as watching sumo wrestling at the paralympics. But this year, both teams came into the the series at or near the top of their respective divisions. For those of you who don’t fully understand how awful the Nationals and Orioles were, this turn of events is about as  drastic as if the two greatest world economic powers suddenly became Greece and Afghanistan. Whereas in the past watching the Nats and O’s would either make you want to loan them huge sums of money out of pity or invade them out of anger, now they make you want to celebrate by eating gyros and smoking opium.  Continue reading

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