Tag Archives: crimes

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Corey Brown

Corey Brown gets ready for his first day of middle school (he was held back a lot).

Corey Brown is the most consistent player on the Nationals. Last year, he was 0-3. This year, he’s 0-3.

Consistency is a lifestyle for Corey. He is a firm believer that keeping to a regular schedule is the best way to maintain his sanity in this crazy world.

For instance, every morning, he wakes up three minutes too late and misses his bus. As he walks out his door, he always stubs his toe on the slightly protruding doorframe. For lunch, he makes himself a grilled cheese sandwich that he burns just enough so it tastes bad. He gets in the shower before the water heats up enough every time, and invariably has to jump out again, shivering. When he has sex with girls after games, he makes sure they’re 14 years old.

Gotta be consistent. Can’t start changing up the age of girls he has sex with now. Who knows what might happen.

One might accuse Corey Brown of not learning from his mistakes. But there’s something admirable about staying true to yourself, not abandoning the way you do things just because it’s inconvenient, painful, unpleasant, or illegal.

Or useless to the Nationals. Here’s to another 0-3 season in 2013.

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Nats Explore the Hudson, Discover Runs, Kill Natives

“Ahhhhh, this is relaxing” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, Win. Okay, so he allowed two inherited runners to score and let Jayson Heyward have his way with him, but he got a win in his 2012 debut! Chien-Ming Wang: 1-0. A sight for Wangless eyes.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: But, he also cheated on his wife. He must be punished for his immorality, and what better punishment than a Shame of the Game? Once he has accepted this just penance, he will be absolved of his crime in the eyes of me, God, and presumably his wife.

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The Nationals played their first game against their biggest divisional rivals last night, the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta fought bravely, but even great courage was no match for the superior skill exhibited by the Nats, and the Braves found themselves with no win and no scalps.

It was a big day for Rick “Santorum” Ankiel, who got his Game On and went 2-4 with a triple, 2 RBIs, and hundreds of gay people made unhappy. Assuming that there are hundreds of gay Braves fans, of course.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Craig Stammen

Craig Stammen supports STAMMENA so much he got it tattooed on his chest and also painted himself blue.

INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW ENERGY DRINK FROM WASHINGTON NATIONALS MEGA-ACE CRAIG STAMMEN: Craig Stammen’s STAMMENA

You read it right! The #1 best pitcher on the Washington Nationals Craig Stammen has developed a new beverage that will make you be able to do everything for much much longer. Do you want to run a big race? Drink some STAMMENA. Do you need to mow every lawn on the block for community service because you committed a bad crime? Guzzle down some STAMMENA.

It’s not a solid! It’s barely a liquid! It’s mostly a plasma! STAMMENA Continue reading

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