Tag Archives: Cristian Guzman

The Nationals at the Break


This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Bryce Harper


He’s the one on the left, I think.

Our series of player profiles has taken something unique about each member of the Nationals roster and formed it into some sort of longform comedic passage. Sometimes it’s been tricky to find something to write about, but we’ve had great success in doing so.

With just a few players that have played for the Nationals this season who we haven’t profiled, I thought it’s finally time to look at Bryce Harper. Going back to the struggle we’ve had with some players to find something to talk about, we all know that when it comes to Bryce Harper…

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Friars, Friars, Douse Nats’ Fire: Padres Split Series, Funds with Ex-Wife


Will Venable realizes that no matter how close to the cycle he gets, nobody wants to high five his strangely stick hands. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Padres 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce Harper fans must be shitting themselves uncontrollably due to excitement or too many laxatives. With his second home run in as many days, Bryce seems on pace to break Bonds’ record in around 5-6 seasons. I think it’s safe to guarantee over 3000 HR for this young man’s career. You can quote me on that. Please however stop quoting me on when I said, “This is Cristian Guzman’s world and we’re all just living in it.” I highly regret that.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Loss, 4 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 5 K. Strasburg did not have a lucky day. The first batter of the game hit a double to center that dropped between three Nationals fielders. Then rain came out of nowhere making the ball slippery and causing him to miss spots. Then he stepped in dog (Detwiler?) poop. Then he got rejected from his safety schools. Then his Pokemon Gold file was deleted. Then his voice cracked while talking to a girl. And most unlucky of all, he was relieved by Tom Gorzelanny.

Today’s game got off to a bad start. In the first inning, Strasburg was missing his spots, his teammates were missing easy outs, and the Padres were scoring runs, three things that are very strange to see. Before the top of the first could even come to a close, rain come out of nowhere and caused an 8 minute delay. Some would say the rain was just a natural occurrence, but I know that God was weeping for Stephen. It’s hard for anyone to watch such a talented player get beat by a AAAA team. Today’s outburst of rain proves that God is a Nats fan and that…wait…if God likes the Nats, why is Danny Espinosa in the lineup? And why is Sean Burnett pitching in save situations? And why is Tom Gorzelanny? God works in mysterious ways.

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Time to Vote for All-Stars


Yep, Morse is on the ballot this year. Hey, he's got a hit in every at bat this season!

It’s that special time of year when MLB begins the voting for the All-Star Game 3 weeks into the season. With just under 3 months to go until the game, I think we’re pretty certain at this point of who deserves to be on the rosters.

Make sure you vote early and often, because your votes will make a difference! Unless you’re voting for players in the AL. They will be all Yankees, Red Sox, and Josh Hamilton.

So vote to continue the great tradition of Nationals hitters making the all star game. You did it for Cristian Guzman and Dmitri Young, so why not do it for some talented players too?

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