Tag Archives: Cuba

Bryce Harper Loses Home Run Derby

I think the Nats sent the wrong Harper to participate in the Derby.

On the bright side, Bryce’s brother won the Camera Hat Derby.

Bryce Harper is a loser. At the age of 20, he’s already proved he’ll never amount to anything. Might as well just give up, pack up, and climb back his mother’s baby chute to try again.

Bryce Harper is a loser because Bryce Harper lost 9-8 in the finals of the 2013 Home Run Derby. To a Cuban, no less! What is this, the Bay of Pigs? I mean come on.

If I were Bryce Harper’s dad, I’d spend the rest of my life standing or walking or sitting or lying next to Bryce, holding my fingers in the shape of an L on his forehead. Just in case any fans or pedestrians or lovers should ever forget that Bryce Harper is a loser who Lost. A lost losing loserman. Is Bryce still young enough that his father can legally change his name without his consent? If son, he should change his son’s name to Lose Loserman. It would be a more accurate description of Bryce Harper than “Bryce Harper.”

Anyway, good luck at the All-Star Game, Bryce! We love ya.

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Double Dutch: Netherlands Leap Over Cuba For Second Time

An increasingly tubby Andruw Jones goes out for a morning stroll.

An increasingly tubby Andruw Jones goes out for a morning stroll.

Final Score: Netherlands 7, Cuba 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Dutch role in preventing the Cuban Missile Crisis

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This, ladmen and gentleladies, is why the World Baseball Classic is wonderful. A baseball powerhouse against a baseball upstart; the New World against the Old and the Old Baseball World against the New. Someone named Kalian Sams hitting a walk-off sac fly.

If you have been an assiduous follower of The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s WBC coverage (FOR SHAME if you have not), you’ll clearly remember my comrade’s coverage of the last CUB-NED game, which was an obvious metaphor for Dutch adventures in 17th century Spanish Cuba. For this post, the foreign power the Dutch are dealing with in Cuba will be not the Spanish, but the Soviet Union. We’re later in the World Baseball Classic, so the metaphor is later in time. Obviously. Continue reading

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Taip-ei Diabetes: Cuba Kills Opponents With Sugar

Tragically, the elderly Diaz did not survive his ill-conceived attempt to block the plate.

Tragically, the elderly Diaz did not survive his ill-conceived attempt to block the plate.

Final Score: Cuba 14, Chinese Taipei 0

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Cuba severs diplomatic ties with Taiwan in 1960

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This game was a bit…one sided. Like a one-sided die that’s just a marble that says “Cuba Wins” all over it. They really could have just rolled that die before the game to decide the winner and saved themselves the trouble.

If the theme of our World Baseball Classic coverage was to use major league players hailing from the countries involved as a metaphor for the game, this game would’ve been Aroldis Chapman and Chien-Ming Wang trying to see who can throw harder. But it’s not. So HERE’S SOME FUCKING HISTORY. Continue reading

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Win-mills: Dutch Grind Out Another Win Vs. Favorite

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After a long, frustrating search, the athletic trainer for the Netherlands found the baseball they lost in the woods.

Final Score: Netherlands 6, Cuba 2.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Piet Hein’s capturing of a Spanish treasure fleet in Havana harbors.

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Cuba knew, even before Thursday’s game, not to take the Dutch for granted. Much like the captured Dutch cabin boy who in the 1620s warned the Spaniards of a Dutch attack on Cuba’s harbors shortly before it came, the Dutch underdog victories in 2006 and 2009 had alerted Cuba that the Netherlands were out to conquer all.

In 1628, Dutch Admiral Piet Pieterszoon Hein…for those of who didn’t read that name once, please: Piet Pieterszoon Hein…thank you…commanded a fleet in an effort to raid a Spanish treasure fleet in a Cuban harbor. There was great wealth to be had and beautiful prizes to be claimed, much like the World Baseball Classic championship trophy. The mindset of the Dutch people has not changed in nearly 400 years. It continues to be, “Get everything shiny, and that’s enough for me.”

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Cuba Lib-hooray: Cubans Can Have A-Pool Party After Win

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan

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The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”

The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.

Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon even more powerful…the Island-Sinker. Continue reading

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Havana Ball: Cuba Sails to Win, Wishes it had been America

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Given their large Japanese population, Castro knows this Brazilian President da Silva will understand his insulting akanbe gesture.

Final Score: Cuba 5, Brazil 2.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: 1996 Summer Olympics women’s volleyball fight between the two nations.

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It was only a matter of time before we were reminded of this. There have been wars, there have been genocides, but there hasn’t been a conflict as truly disturbing as this minor verbal altercation during a match to determine who would get the nicer set of really expensive medals.

The past 16-17 years have been a tense time period for Brazil-Cuba relations. Ever since this event leaders of these two countries haven’t been able to discuss international affairs without a net between them, for fear that if it were removed something terrible would happen. These two nations meeting on the baseball field was a similarly difficult experience to watch.

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