Tag Archives: curses

The Daisuke Has Been Cast: Nats Roll in Matsuzaka’s Return

This was actually the cover photo in the latest issue of Asian Nipples Weekly. (Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6.1 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Mike Gonzalez did not manage the runners he inherited from Gio very well, allowing two of them to score. In related news, Mike Gonzalez was recently removed from Gio Gonzalez’s will.

Shame of the Game:

Daisuke Matsuzaka: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. First the earthquake and nuclear meltdown, and now this guy’s representing them again. Tough times for the Japanese.

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The Curse of the Bambino, caused by the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees, prevented Boston from winning a World Series for 86 years. Now the Red Sox have a new curse to contend with: the Curse of F. P. Santangelo, caused by F. P. merely entering Fenway Park. Since that happened, the Red Sox have not won a game against the Nationals. The curse is indisputable. I have never seen a more obvious causal chain.

Gio Gonzalez helped the curse along by holding the Red Sox at bay into the 7th inning. His biggest scare of the night happened when he and Jesus Flores got crossed up, leading to Flores getting hit in the crotch with a curveball. By the law of the Curse of the Catcher, Flores’ cup should have shattered into millions of tiny cup-pieces which would embed in his groin, rendering him incapable of catching again or fathering children. However, he was fine. This startling turn of events leads me to believe that perhaps the Nationals can only have one curse at a time and F. P. Santangelo has rendered the old curse obsolete through his Santangelic powers.

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Catchers To Be Better Protected At Nationals Park

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Brian McCann after being told he’d have to catch today’s game.

Just moments ago, Brian McCann was knocked out of the Nationals-Braves game with a bad injury to his knee. It’s the third injury to a catcher in a short time that has taken place at Nationals Park, leading me to believe the catcher’s location at Nationals Park is clearly cursed.

While McCann is not as important to the Nats nor as Venezuelan to the world as the other two, the team has decided to take precautions to avoid this clearly cursed location behind home plate. Catchers will now be put in padded rooms, much like you find in insane asylums, located behind the umpire. The umpire will be armed to defend against anyone getting close to the catcher. Snipers will be removed from duty protecting Obama and placed in the grandstands at Nationals Park as well. Science funding will increase by trillions looking to develop some sort of forcefield to be placed around this padded room that the catchers will be placed in. Balls will be thrown at less than 50 mph, and all baserunners must walk. Bats will be replaced with foam bats, and all fans will be forced to remain silent as to allow the catcher to focus on his safety as much as possible. With these changes, we hope that all catchers coming into Nationals Park will be safe.

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