Tag Archives: cyborgs

1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:

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Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

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Hitting the Gi-Spot: Gio Pleases Us All With Wood and Balls

Final Score: Nationals 4, Astros 3.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 9 IP, 9 H, 2 BB, 3 ER, 7 K; 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Gio threw a 9 inning complete game AND hit a home run, both of which were firsts for him. He also smiled, which was probably his first since hitting the 5 billion smile mark.

Shame of the Game:

Armando Galarraga: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 6 BB, 3 ER, 5 K; 0-2. Galarraga was one out away from perfection again, in that he could’ve walked out the door before the game and not allowed any hits. Sadly for him, he chose to pitch.

(UPDATE) Honorary Shame of the Game:

Angel Hernandez: 9 innings umpired, several terrible calls made, K, -1 BB. The people demanded Angel’s head, so decapitate we must. I have no good explanation for his general horrible umpiring and odious choice to strike out Bryce Harper after he received six balls, other than maybe he took it upon himself to personally rectify the harm done to Galarraga by Jim Joyce two years ago by helping his line for this game look slightly less horrible.

If so, that’s really stupid, and I feel no more bad about the head thing.

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The Nationals are lucky that one of their starters is not only good on the mound, but with their bat as well. They’re also lucky that another one of their starters is good in both areas as well. Additionally, they are quite lucky that a third one of their starters can not only throw gems, but can also hit home runs. I think you see where I’m going with this. The entire Nationals rotation is a group of cyborgs who are perfectly modified to hit, pitch, and love with the same high level of success.

Ok, maybe you didn’t see where I was going with that.

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Possessive ApASTROphe: Nationals Enslave Astros, Win Third Straight

"What? No! My shirt's just baggy!" --Lucas Harrell, after the umpire called him fat.

Final Score: Nationals 3, Astros 2

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 3 K. Zimmermann has found himself a new hobby this year: pitching seven innings and giving up one run. It’s a strangely specific hobby, but I’m not complaining. It’s definitely better than his previous hobby–collecting roadkill.

Shame of the Game: 

Fernando Rodriguez: .1 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 2 BB, Loss. Rodriguez joins Kerry Wood and Carlos Marmol in a club of pitchers who have blown leads to the Nats in the 8th inning mostly by walking people. In this triumvirate of poor and wild relievers, I’d say Rodriguez is the Lepidus…not a particularly great honor.

A lot of those statistics-loving baseball fans who sit around in their mom’s basement crying, pooping and killing flies¬†claim that wins are a bad statistic and are not representative of a pitcher’s actual performance because pitchers have no control over the run support they get from their offense. These computerlubbers might point to Jordan Zimmermann as the perfect example of the uselessness of wins, and at first glance they’d be right. Zimmermann is winless this season despite pitching 21 innings and allowing only three runs. The trend continued tonight: Zimmerman pitched 7 great innings, but the Nats didn’t bother to take the lead until the 8th, after he’d already left the game. So is he just unlucky? I don’t think so. This isn’t a new thing–last year he had the lowest run support of any starter in baseball, ending up with an 8-11 record despite a 3.10 ERA. No, I think there’s a very good reason why the Nationals hitters never score runs for Jordan Zimmerman. It’s because they hate him. Continue reading

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