Tag Archives: dads

Bryce Harper Loses Home Run Derby

I think the Nats sent the wrong Harper to participate in the Derby.

On the bright side, Bryce’s brother won the Camera Hat Derby.

Bryce Harper is a loser. At the age of 20, he’s already proved he’ll never amount to anything. Might as well just give up, pack up, and climb back his mother’s baby chute to try again.

Bryce Harper is a loser because Bryce Harper lost 9-8 in the finals of the 2013 Home Run Derby. To a Cuban, no less! What is this, the Bay of Pigs? I mean come on.

If I were Bryce Harper’s dad, I’d spend the rest of my life standing or walking or sitting or lying next to Bryce, holding my fingers in the shape of an L on his forehead. Just in case any fans or pedestrians or lovers should ever forget that Bryce Harper is a loser who Lost. A lost losing loserman. Is Bryce still young enough that his father can legally change his name without his consent? If son, he should change his son’s name to Lose Loserman. It would be a more accurate description of Bryce Harper than “Bryce Harper.”

Anyway, good luck at the All-Star Game, Bryce! We love ya.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Peng-Pong Diplomacy: Relations Strain as Taiwan Shows Baseball Competence


A couple Australian players found it unfair for China to get two opportunities, but that’s just their policy.

Final Score: Chinese Taipei 4, Australia 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Australia’s participation in the 1972 Joint Communiqué that recognizes the People’s Republic of China as the sole Chinese authority.


There were many things that worked well for Taiwan tonight. Our old friend Chien-Ming Wang turned in a stellar pitching performance (better check to make sure he wasn’t cheating, he’s been known to do that), Cheng-Min Peng led a potent offense that put the team up early, and the all-around performance of the ball club led to a relatively easy 4-1 win over Australia.

Shame the Aussies don’t give a shit.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Paul-Bearer of Bad News: Maholm Tries Carrying Dead Team but Drops Them (Continued)

And we’re back. The umpires have determined the skies to be clear for long enough for us to get the rest of this post in, so let’s get going.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Strasburg To Miss 2-3 Starts/Postseason


He will also miss that piece of gum he mistakingly spit out on the ground, as seen above.

According to Nationals reporter Bill Ladson, Strasburg is expected to miss 2-3 regular season starts, and will not participate in the postseason, in an effort to limit his workload. He has also tweeted that Santa Claus isn’t real, and that dad didn’t really love you because you were never good at sports, just to make sure everyone was as miserable as possible.

While the limited starts in the regular season isn’t such a worry, Strasburg missing the postseason could be troublesome. Gio, Edwin, Jordan, and Det are a group of four that rivals any other rotation out there. But Strasburg is our secret weapon, a weapon of mass destrucbgoroubgubge;bwg

Sorry, when I was typing that a bunch of soldiers kicked down my door and questioned me as to where the WMD was. They left 8 years later.

I just hope the Nationals know what they’re doing with this limited workload. If we’re not going to use Stras in a pitching role during the playoffs, I hope we can use him another way. Like as a clean up hitter. And a leadoff hitter. And every other hitter, since his OPS is higher than every starter.

Or maybe we can just use him as an extra cashier at Ben’s Chili Bowl. The lines there are always pretty long, it’d be nice to speed things up.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Bryce Harper Concedes


Delivering the concession speech.

Just a few hours ago, Bryce Harper lost the election to the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star team. Many who put a great deal of work into campaigning for Bryce surely feel hurt at this time. But Bryce is a gracious loser, who has accepted the fact that David Freese won the vote. Below is the concession speech that Bryce delivered just moments ago.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

This Day in Expos History: May 24, 2000


Mike Thurman looking off into the distance to see if he can find a good picture of him on Google that isn’t an autographed baseball card, cause I couldn’t.

Welcome to a new feature here on the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, This Day in Expos History. While the Nationals are relatively far removed from their time in Montreal, I feel it’s important to acknowledge the exciting events that helped build this franchise into the one we know today. In this feature, we will look back at notable games and events from the Expos’ existence. With that, here is the first installment.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , ,

Twenty-Second Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Baltimore Kevin Orie-oles


Sportsmanship really flew out the window as the increasingly cocky Orioles jumped out to a big lead over the Nats.

Today was the Spring Training version of the Battle of the Beltways, as the Nats met the Orioles for the first time this season. After today, I think we all know which ways the belts will be going, as many of the Nationals’ fathers lined up after the game to punish them for sucking with a good belt smack across the behind. The Orioles won 12-3, with Edwin Jackson doing his best to match his runs allowed total to the Nationals’ current winless streak. Sadly Jackson fell short, only allowing 10, and getting an even worse smacking from his father for not meeting his goal. A inexplicable goal, but a goal, and a failure, nonetheless.

There was mild excitement when Josh Johnson showed up in a Nationals uniform to bat in the 9th. Fans quickly grew outraged after realizing the Nationals had not stolen the good Johnson from the Marlins, and promptly unbuckled their belts.

Steve Lombardozzi took his place at third base, a position he is very unfamiliar with, and made two throwing errors. Some people said he was so bad that it looked like he was sleeping out there. But a man like him doesn’t need to catch some Z’s. He’s already got plenty in his name.

*Pause for applause for joke of the century*

Thank you.

Tagged , , , , , , ,