Tag Archives: dancing

Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too¬†horrible about his start.


Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades. Continue reading

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Glorious Leader Bryce Harper Makes the All-Star Team

Harper found out that he made the team in the middle of an at-bat. The ensuing celebratory dance and song delayed the game for half an hour, and brought many in the crowd to tears with its beauty.

Bryce Harper is an All-Star. Our efforts to get him elected, efforts that at one time seemed to have failed, clearly turned out successful, as Bryce is now on the team.

However, it wasn’t exactly democracy that helped Harper make the team. No, it was something a little more troubling. Bryce was placed on the team in a position of great power, replacing Giancarlo Stanton. Stanton was suspiciously injured, opening the door for a select group of powerful men like Tony LaRussa to pick whoever they so desired to fill that void.

It all seems a little off. Harper is not the choice of the people, but rather those who hold power over the people. As much as I love Harper, this was not democracy in action. This is the beginning of a dictatorship over baseball led by Bryce Harper. Well I have one thing to say about that…

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Boston’s Sad Swan (Boat) Song Sweeps Fans Off Feet, Team Off Field


Ian Desmond’s interpretive dance routine caused a 23 minute delay and a decline in attendance. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-4, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 1 SB. Bernadina got the game winning hit, driving in Harper in the top of the 9th with his clutch double. His hit was certainly helped by the hustle of the great, white, Bryce Harper. Shark’s blow felt like a hammer to the head for Red Sox fans, who were already nursing their emotional injuries from failing so far. It was a whale of a loss for Boston, leading to a Nationals sweep. I’m sure the Sox hope they could mako something out of this final game, but they left feeling blue.

Shame of the Game:

Alfredo Aceves: Loss, 1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 1 K. For a man named after a pasta dish, Aceves surely doesn’t satisfy the Red Sox fanbase in a similar way. Some would say that’s cause he’s not beer and that’s all people from Boston consume, others would say it’s cause he keeps blowing games and is 0-4 on the season. I guess you could say that Alfredo is a real ace in the hole for the Sox. The butthole! Cause he pitches kind of like shit.


The Boston Tea Party. The ride of Paul Revere. The Nationals mid-June 2012 sweep of the Red Sox. In increasing importance, these three events are some of the most iconic happenings in Boston’s history. Washington came into Boston, despite the many minorities on their team that the people there frown upon, and took all three games. Some will say the only reason the Nationals were so dominant is because the Red Sox senses were dulled by their in-game meals. At this point though, I think soberness and healthy food is more of a shock to their system than the current game plan.

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