Tag Archives: demigods

Liveblogging Soon-to-be All-Star Bryce Harper’s At-Bats Tonight

Bryce Harper just saw Livan Hernandez crush Danny Espinosa in a sumo wrestling match. Literally.

Bryce Harper will remind everyone why he is the only correct choice for the NL All-Star Final Vote tonight. Stay tuned to find out why everything he does is further evidence for the fact that you are morally and legally obliged to vote for him. Continue reading

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Hey, I Heard You Like the Wild Ones: Rodriguez Throws Game to the Backstop in 9th

If I took Tom Gorzelanny to face Matt Kemp, it'd be a home run.

Final Score: Dodgers 4, Nationals 3

Douchebag of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-3, 2B, RBI, 1 Awesome Throw. I just can’t bring myself to call Bryce Harper a “dame.” He really should get this award every game he plays, but I’ll only give it to him when he does something particularly noteworthy, like play pretty well in his debut or hand the pitcher a thank you note when he hits a home run.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .2 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 K, 3 Horribly Wild Throws. Brad Lidge’s physical form is gone, but he seems to have left his spirit behind. You must fight it, Henry Rodriguez. Banish that Brad Lidge essence within you to the save-blowing realm it came from.

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I haven’t questioned much that Davey Johnson has done thus far this year. After all, there’s no point in second guessing managerial decisions when the team is winning games. But last night, Davey Johnson did a bad thing. Was it the worst thing he’s ever done in his life? Probably not. I don’t know how many people he’s killed, shops he’s lifted, treasons he’s committed, backs he’s stabbed, genocides he’s condoned. Perhaps hundreds. Perhaps thousands. But this thing that he did last night has to be up there among the very bad of the very worst. He let Tom Gorzelanny face Matt Kemp in a situation where if a home run happened, the Nationals would lose. A home run happened.

Now, this wasn’t a case of the best hitter in baseball facing the worst pitcher in baseball, but that’s only because Sean Burnett wasn’t available to pitch. The most apt analogy that comes to mind is an emperor setting up a gladiator duel between a retarded Christian baby with no knees and a pride of lions. Thumbs down, Davey Johnson. Continue reading

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