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The Daisuke Has Been Cast: Nats Roll in Matsuzaka’s Return

This was actually the cover photo in the latest issue of Asian Nipples Weekly. (Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6.1 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Mike Gonzalez did not manage the runners he inherited from Gio very well, allowing two of them to score. In related news, Mike Gonzalez was recently removed from Gio Gonzalez’s will.

Shame of the Game:

Daisuke Matsuzaka: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. First the earthquake and nuclear meltdown, and now this guy’s representing them again. Tough times for the Japanese.

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The Curse of the Bambino, caused by the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees, prevented Boston from winning a World Series for 86 years. Now the Red Sox have a new curse to contend with: the Curse of F. P. Santangelo, caused by F. P. merely entering Fenway Park. Since that happened, the Red Sox have not won a game against the Nationals. The curse is indisputable. I have never seen a more obvious causal chain.

Gio Gonzalez helped the curse along by holding the Red Sox at bay into the 7th inning. His biggest scare of the night happened when he and Jesus Flores got crossed up, leading to Flores getting hit in the crotch with a curveball. By the law of the Curse of the Catcher, Flores’ cup should have shattered into millions of tiny cup-pieces which would embed in his groin, rendering him incapable of catching again or fathering children. However, he was fine. This startling turn of events leads me to believe that perhaps the Nationals can only have one curse at a time and F. P. Santangelo has rendered the old curse obsolete through his Santangelic powers.

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