Tag Archives: diarrhea

25 or 11 to 5: Chicago Instrumental in Making Nats Fans Happy

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Edwin Jackson is a really entertaining juggler, even with just one ball. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Cubs 5.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 4-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 1 BB. I already knew from¬†The Creation of Adam¬†that Adam had a lot of muscle. I also knew he’d have to do really impressive things like this to help compensate for “down there.”

Shame of the Game:

Chris Rusin: Loss, 1 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 ER, 1 K. This performance by Rusin was really sub-carpathian-par.

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It’s not often a team throws seven pitchers out there that I’ve never heard of. Usually it only happens when watching AAA teams like the Buffalo Bisons or Houston Astros. But the Cubs joined that club tonight. I was introduced to seven pitchers who I have never heard of before tonight’s game. I know it’s bad to say this, as somebody who covers baseball, but I really just had no idea who I was watching. Even though there was one Cub who pitched in last night’s game. He was just as forgettable as our our team’s owners make our time in Montreal seem.

But as a reporter, I feel it is my duty to know who I am reporting on. That being said, I’m kind of tired and don’t really want to do much research. So here are my possibly uneducated feelings about the 7 men who pitched for the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday night. I hope they’re all accurate.

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Nats Encounter Terrible Time in Arizona, Odd Because They Aren’t All Hispanic

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John MacDonald has some fun playing soccer. With a bat. He is not bright. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 7, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Cesar Izturis: 1-1, 1 2B, 2 R. Cesar is now 2-2 with 4 runs as a National. You may ask, why all the runs with so few at bats? And I say, bad pre-game Mexican food.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, 1 E. Suzuki turned in another 0-for-4 performance, coupled with his first error as a National. He had committed many errors in Oakland however, including making himself seem valuable in some way to the Nationals.

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Ross Detwiler was sick tonight. No, he didn’t have nasty stuff. He was sick. No, he didn’t do something gross like poop in his glove and then use it. He was sick. No, he wasn’t spelled incorrectly and quoted. He was sick. He just didn’t feel well. And that showed on the mound. In more ways than just the mound being covered in sniffles and vomit. For every runner Detwiler allowed, he also gave up an earned run. Which would’ve been fine if he didn’t allow any runners. But he did. So that’s bad.

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Erasable Pen: Relievers Relieve Nats of 9 Run Lead

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The game was delayed for a bit to clean up the mess Sean Burnett left on the mound. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 11, Nationals 10.

Dame of the Game:

Every Batter, Except Bryce Harper Strangely: 15-41, 9 R, 1 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 5 BB. Every spot in the order minus Harper’s and the pitcher’s spot produced hits. Which is strange because I expected a lot more out of Strasburg’s bat. The offense came alive with a powerful jolt unlike many games before during this season. A similar birth to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, the team was simply looking for affection. But some people misunderstand them, and treat them in ways they don’t deserve. Which leads me to the…

Shame of the Game:

Every Pitcher, Except Mike Gonzalez Strangely: Loss, Blown Save, 9.1 IP, 14 H, 7 BB, 11 R, 10 ER, 10 K. Mike Gonzalez was the one clear, greaseless spot, on the young teenage acne-riddled face that is the Nationals. Each other pitcher in their own unique pus-filled way, clogged up the pores that the fans breathe through easily and made this game a miserable experience that would surely result in no celebratory sex for any party involved. It sure sucks having acne, especially when it’s as pus-filled and gross as Tom Gorzelanny.

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Well what the fuck? You had a 9 run lead. A 9 run lead going into the 6th. Even a 5 run lead going into the 8th. And lastly a 1 run lead going into the 9th. But you ended up going down a run. You blew more leads than a journalist who is not very good at his job. Oh sure, you tied it in the 9th for a bit, but that didn’t last. Instead you thought back to preschool when your mom told you to share, and you decided to give the Braves a run since you had just scored. Well sharing isn’t caring. Sharing is instead despairing. Parents, please let your child know about this miserable truth, lest they make friends and smile before it’s too late.

The offense was great. What a good job they did. Gold stars all around. Which I haven’t done since Jason Marquis got offended that he had to wear one and left. But the pitching, well you did bad. So bad that I will now look at each pitcher and analyze what they did to contribute to the miserable.

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