Tag Archives: dinosaurs

Nationals Fire Rick Eckstein

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Taken shortly after the firing, before the murdering spree.

The Nationals have tried to fix their offensive woes by firing Rick Eckstein. It was a decision made by Mike Rizzo that greatly saddened Davey Johnson. Johnson was quoted as saying, “I’ve experienced a lot of things in my career. I’ve been traded, I’ve been released, I’ve seen a lot of dinosaurs, I was there for all the crusades, but today is arguably the toughest day I’ve had in baseball.”

Rick Eckstein will be irreplaceable. In that nobody could possibly lead this team to as abysmal an offensive output as he is. Sure it might be unfair to completely blame Eckstein, but he’s so small. It’s not like he could beat us up or anything for saying bad things about him.

To replace Eckstein, the team has brought up Rick Schu, the minor league hitting coordinator. I thought Rick was a Schu in to replace Eckstein, and clearly I was right. I just hope he doesn’t give us reason to Schu him off any time soon.

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At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Continue reading

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

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We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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Bryceratops: Harper’s Homer Helps Nats Trample Braves in Sweep

Danny Espinosa was so embarrassed by his poor hitting this year that he decided to replace most of his face with a baseball so no one would recognize him.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 7 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 3 BB, 10 K. Gonzalez also had a sacrifice fly and two sacrifice bunts–the most sacrifices he had performed in a day since Brad Lidge once convinced him to help sacrifice every animal on a farm they passed during a roadtrip. Needless to say the farmer was not pleased, and they had to quickly run away from his brandished pitchfork, leaving a trail of massacred livestock in their wake. Good times.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: 3 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, BB, K. This Shame of the Game is presented with a caveat: it was actually very nice of Livan to give his old friends so many runs at their reunion, and that’s a practice we’d like to encourage in all former Nationals pitchers.

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Bryce Harper is a man in desperate need of a nickname. “Bam Bam” is okay, but the image it calls to mind is of a stupid person who hits himself in the head with bats, not a fearsome baseball player. I’m sure that many baseball scholars will attempt to christen him with their own terms of endearment, but here is my own humble submission. If you bothered to read the title of the post, you can probably guess what it is:

First appearing in the late Cretaceous period roughly 68 million years ago, the Bryceratops somehow survived the extinction of the dinosaurs but remained in hiding before being drafted by the Nationals in 2010. For some reason it has two mouths.

Continue reading

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