Tag Archives: divorces

We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Nationals Coverage

Oh, curly W. I forgot how seductive are your luscious curves.

Oh, curly W. How could I forget how seductive are your luscious curves.

While we hope you enjoyed The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s brief foray into international coverage, the time for caring about the rest of the world is over. In fact, it’s time to stop caring about anything other than the Washington Nationals for the foreseeable future. You simply won’t have time to. Between watching Nationals games and then reading about them on this very blog, your life will be utterly consumed in #natitude and the #vomit you will produce after seeing the natitude hashtag everywhere.

As it should be. So, what are you waiting for? Divorce your spouse. Quit your job. Leave your children to die on a mountaintop. Get rid of all possible distractions from this impending baseball season that’s about to sit its entire 162-game girth down on our eagerly-awaiting abdomens.

We’ll be doing everything we can to facilitate the ruination of your non-baseball life, with all your favorite game summaries, transaction analyses, player profiles, impossibly witty signs, erotica, and some brand Spanking new features whose surprises I shall not yet spoil. The biggest difference from last season is that we’ll be trading quantity for quality (and less work) in game summaries – expect about one per series, instead of one per game. Don’t worry, though. We’ll make it up to you. Wink.

Without further ado…baseball jokes. Come get ’em.

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Honest Abe: Shinnosuke Hits Two Homers, Doesn’t Lie About It

Shinnosuke Abe, depicted in the tradition Japanese style of “extremely weird.”

Final Score: Japan 10, Netherlands 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Japan’s revocation of exclusive trading rights with the Dutch in 1858

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Once upon a time, there was a period of several centuries when the only white people in the world that Japan was okay with were Dutch people. Japan kicked out all other Western suitors for their trade, but the Dutch East India Company was invited in and told to make themselves comfortable. They certainly did, enjoying exclusive Japanese hospitality for about two and a half centuries.

But Japan eventually got bored with its trade monogamy, and fell victim to the seductive wiles of voluptuous young Americans like Commodore Matthew Perry. The Convention of Kanagawa affirmed Japan’s infidelity, leaving the Dutch well and truly cuckolded. The divorce didn’t go well for the Netherlands, as Japan ended up taking all their stuff and enslaving them.

Now, Japan is just being a dick to their ex for the fun of it. They’ve beaten the Dutch twice in this WBC, by a combined score of 26-10. Why must Japan be so cruel? The Dutch were a perfectly good partner in the 17th-19th centuries. They don’t deserve this.

I can only hope that if Japan ends up playing the Netherlands in the finals, they will show some mercy out of remembrance for the love the two nations once shared.

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Ankiel-es Heal: Rick Reclaims Nats Center Field Job

Rick Ankiel and his bat-wife, shortly before their divorce.

We’ve probably already given Rick Ankiel more coverage than he deserves, but that headline was too good to pass up.

Since returning from the Disabled List on Saturday, Rick Ankiel has started both games in center field, seemingly taking over that job from Roger Bernadina. I’m not entirely sure why, though–Ankiel has not really been a better hitter than Bernadina in recent years, nor does he have Bernadina’s skill at quickly tearing apart human flesh with his teeth. I guess he’s nice to have on the field so the Nats can bring him in to pitch at any point to wake up sleeping fans behind home plate.

Will Rick Ankiel play well enough to keep his job? Will Roger Bernadina eat him alive? Will Rick and his ex-bat-wife ever get back together? Stay tuned for the answers to these questions and all other questions.

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