Tag Archives: doctors

Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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Nationals Promote Nate Karns, Detwiler to DL

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Some pitchers scare hitters with their fastball. But Karns scares hitters by reminding them what could happen to their bite if they don’t wear their retainers.

Nate Karns will be called up to start Tuesday’s game vs. the Orioles. So break out your Austin Kearns jerseys and hope that everyone in attendance has dyslexia, because he deserves your support. Just don’t spend any money on him until he proves he’s better than Austin Kearns was.

It’s about time we had the Karnival come to town, because this team is not very fun to watch sometimes. Hopefully we can just sit back and enjoy some candy dipped baseballs but NO roller coasters. Please, no more roller coasters Karns. We have to deal with them every day when our bullpen comes in to pitch.

The promotion corresponds with the team finally placing Detwiler on the DL. Detwiler had been dealing with an oblique strain for quite some time, but the team was hoping that we would find out that Ross could simply have his oblique removed and we could all move on healthily. Because seriously, what does the oblique do besides sideline baseball players? I think all doctors should just remove them at birth.

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Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:

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A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

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Nick Johnson Retires

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This photo was taken as Nick looked into a mirror for the first time.

Nick Johnson will not be playing baseball next year. Which is something that was likely even if he didn’t decide to retire considering his injury history. The Expos/Nationals great has decided to hang up his cleats. Lets hope he has someone to do it for him, because those sharp spikes will probably cause trouble again, considering his injury history.

Nick Johnson retires with a higher career on-base percentage than notable players like Joe DiMaggio, Honus Wagner, and Mario Mendoza. Although one of those isn’t very surprising, Honus Wagner wasn’t all that great.

We will miss you Nick. As will all the team doctors who you created jobs for throughout your career.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Atahualpa Severino

November 17, 1532: Sapa Inca Atahualpa sits in his litter in the great plaza of the city of Cajamarca as his empire crumbles around him. His army of 80,000 has been decimated by a Spanish force of less than 200. The ancient treasures of the Inca will soon be in the hands of the white devil, Francisco Pizarro. As the Spanish cavalry charge bears down on him, Pizarro at its head, Atahualpa feels the cold grip of his impending death seize him. But suddenly, as a shining steel sword blots out the sun as it prepares to strike, the visage of Atahualpa’s doom is no longer that of Francisco Pizarro. It has transformed into the curiously bland face of James Loney. And Atahualpa knows that one day, he will get his revenge. Continue reading

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