Tag Archives: dogs

One Win, Two Loss, Reds Win, Blue Fish: A Reds Series Recap


We’re not sure if someone made a joke, or if Davey just finds his full diaper to be warm and comforting.

You might be asking yourself, “What is this series recap for? Why no individual game recaps? Where are my pants?” The answers: Less work for us but a higher quality of posts, don’t worry we’ll still be doing them on occasion, and I took them. But lets not worry about pants and crimes. Let’s worry about baseball, specifically the series between the Nationals and Reds over the weekend.

Game 1:


Harper waits to be informed of the weather using the time-trusted method of fans sticking their hands out to see if its raining.

Reds 15, Nationals 0.

If you’re a big Nats fan like me, you really enjoyed watching…whatever was on the first channel I could turn to in order to get away from this horrible terrible game. Unless of course you couldn’t find the remote, and you were too lazy or obese to move from the couch to turn away from this hellish game. Sorry you had to endure that, Livan.

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Muerto Rico: U.S. Clobbers “51st State,” Metaphorically Stating That They Suck


Doesn’t matter, you suck at baseball.

Final Score: USA 7, Puerto Rico 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The issue of Puerto Rican statehood.


“I like the way American flags are designed and that shouldn’t change!”

This excerpt from Joe Torre’s pre-game pep talk proves one thing. Americans are very content with just having 50 states. And that Joe Torre probably enjoys a pre-game cocktail. So, two things.

For a long time, Puerto Rico has kind of just been there, living a decently uneventful life as an American territory. Much like in baseball, where many Puerto Ricans are just kind of there, controlled by American ownership. Just like how Ruben Sierra was controlled by George W. Bush during Bush’s ownership of the Rangers. Only America doesn’t constantly ask Puerto Rico what they think of our dog paintings like Bush did to Sierra.

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Detwiler Agrees to One Year Deal


Detwiler and Rizzo (in a wig with a lot of plastic surgery) agree to the deal.

Ross Detwiler and the Nationals have agreed to a contract worth $2.3375 million plus incentives for the 2013 season, avoiding arbitration. Now I know there’s a lot of criticism out there for people who spend lots of money on high end breeds. So spending over 2 million dollars on a dog like Ross¬†will be met with a lot of backlash. Sure I feel bad that there are so many poor dogs just sitting out there, begging to be taken home for nothing. Like that poor Randy Wolf-mix, or the LaBradPennydor Retriever.

But the Nationals deserve a high quality dog for their high quality team. They need one to compete on the highest level. One who can strike out a Bichon Freese or a Jack Russell Martin Terrier with ease. Because of this, I welcome the Nationals bringing back Ross. He will surely be an important part of our team, and additionally can probably help Davey Johnson do stuff around the clubhouse if Davey’s eyesight starts going.

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Zach Duke Retweets Us


An accurate depiction of my emotions when I found out.

We have made efforts in the past to reach out to Nationals players, trying to make them and their followers aware of our efforts here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. One time recently I tweeted at Michael Morse in Morse Code, asking how he felt. He replied with “Sick!” He was either failing to understand what I had asked, or he was desperately calling for help.

Just a few days ago, I tweeted our story about Bob and F.P. returning to F.P. Santangelo, which led to him following us on Twitter. I can assume he liked it, but maybe he just follows anyone who tweets at him. Although being followed by big names isn’t new for us. We’re followed by @IanDesmondNews which totally isn’t a bot or anything.

But just yesterday, a story of ours was retweeted by Zach Duke, right in the midst of Zach Duke Week. Here’s the proof!

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Goodbye, John Lannan


Enjoy your new career as a dog groomer.

Bill Ladson is reporting¬†that the Nationals have non-tendered John Lannan. After bringing in Gio and Jackson last season, and with Detwiler outperforming expectations, Lannan sadly didn’t have a spot in our rotation. Going into next year, he still has no spot. Yes, we only have 4 starters. But Strasburg likes to stretch his legs, so its important he gets some extra room.

Earlier this year when profiling Lannan, I used the similarly-named John Lennon’s obituary as a template. Thus with Lannan leaving Washington, I feel its appropriate to provide you with the song that Paul McCartney created shortly after Lennon left us. The only difference in the song’s message is that while McCartney might be crying tears of grief, I’m crying tears of happiness that we don’t have to pay $5 million to a Chief anymore.

Lannan will be missed though. A lifelong Nat after being drafted in this team’s first ever season in 2005, Lannan has played for this system his entire career. I just hope someone steps up and brings him into their home. He’s a good hearted creature. He’s got all his shots and I’m pretty sure he’s potty trained. He loves with playing with balls, and will be sure to put smiles on kids faces. Someone please adopt him, and give him a good home.

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Bo Porter to Manage Houston Astros


Ryan laughs as Bo tells him a funny joke. He would later find out that Bo wanting to manage Houston is all too real.

Bo Porter is a masochist. At least he must be, after accepting the job to manage the Houston Astros next season. The story was broken just minutes ago by Jon Morosi that Porter would be leaving the Nationals to take the vacant managerial post in 2013. Porter will be at the helm for a big transition, as the team moves to the AL. I can’t foresee much success there though. While most AL teams have a designated hitter, the Astros will be the first team without one. Not because they will lack the position, but they lack anyone who can actually make contact.

Losing Bo is tough. He’s been with the team for 2 full seasons, and has done so much in that time. Raising his arms. Twirling his arms. All those things! He’ll be hard to replace.

Luckily, Bo will stay with the team throughout the playoffs. I guess it’s nice to give him the chance to experience something that he’ll never come close to in his new post. Let’s win this though, if not for the city then for the man who has made many arm motions in his time at third base. “Go for Bo!” will be the rallying cry of this team as they go further into the playoffs. I hope the Secret Service don’t misconstrue that as a plan to try and kidnap the Obama’s dog.

Wait a second…I think I might have found the solution to our impending vacancy:


Our new third base coach.

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Dunn Dunn… Dunn Dunn…: Jaws Drop as Nats Attack in 8th

Final Score: Nationals 10, Marlins 7.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 3 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Adam hit two home runs and reached on a crucial error, showing a nice mix of power and luck. He would do well at a casino, in that Lady Luck would be on his side, and he could also just punch dealers until they give him money.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Dunn: .2 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 6 R, 0 ER, 1 K, 1 E. None of Dunn’s runs were technically earned, but they came after his fielding error. If every pitcher did like Dunn and began the inning with an embarrassing error, they would have a fantastic ERA. They would also be very bad.


A little mistake can spiral out of control. Like signing with the Phillies, or reproducing while having the last name Gorzelanny, things may not look terrible at first. But you will soon pay a great price. Today, Michael Dunn made a little error. No biggie, Marlins still up by 2. 1. 0. -1. -2. -3. -4. Well that escalated quickly.

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Cliff Notes Nats, Makes Short Work of Them

Final Score: Phillies 8, Nationals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Steve Lombardozzi: 1-3, 1 BB. Steve outshined his teammates with this performance. But that’s like someone having the best performance in a movie like Norbit. It’s still not gonna be very good.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Loss, 4 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. What a distraster. The most explosively bad showing from a burg since the Hindenburg, and even then, that at least made for good television.


These Phillies are not the Phillies we have come to know. No Shane Victorino, no Hunter Pence, and strangest of all, a victory. The troubled Philly franchise cut loose two of its stars on Tuesday implying that their era of dominance may be over. But Cliff Lee did his best Hiroo Onoda impression and kept fighting, clearly not having got the message.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Ross Detwiler


Ross Detwiler has worn this for seven years now. Weird thing is, only part of that time did he think he was a dog. For the first few years he had a weird fetish.

When Ross Detwiler first came up to the bigs, he was told he needed a nickname. Looking at his name, it’s not hard to come up with Rottweiler. Or rather Rotwiler, by removing “ss De.” Just think of it being spelled by someone with the mental capacity of a first grader or Sean Burnett. EDIT: Sorry for being redundant there.

So ever since Detwiler has been called Rotwiler, he’s developed a more fierce attitude on the mound, intimidating opponents with his “bite.” However he has also developed multiple habits that all point towards him thinking he is actually a dog. Below is a list of incidents since Detwiler has been on the Nationals that have left teammates concerned. Continue reading

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