Tag Archives: Dominican Republic

Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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DR DR, Give Me The News: Dominicans Have Bad Case of Going Undefeated, Loving You

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Sadly in modern baseball, scolding the opposing team no longer counts for 2 runs.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Netherlands 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: This family from the Netherlands trying to adjust to life in the Dominican Republic.

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Well one thing is clear for sure. Not being much does not exclude you from winning, unless of course we’re talking about a mass possession contest. In that case if you are not much, not only are you not Dutch, but you also are a failure. Despite being much and Dutch, the Dutch proved to be not much in terms of winning. Much of the fanfare about the Dutch abruptly died, as the not-so-much-Dutch Dominicans proved to be much much more than the Dutch, despite the amount of their muchness coming into question often, given their lack of Dutch-ness. Well all that ado about muchness turned out to be much ado about nothing. It is odd that something about muchness could ultimately amount to nothing, but it is the case here. The Dutch were much-Dutch, but not much of a baseball team. And for that, they lost.

But you know who are much and Dutch, much in that there are 5 of them and Dutch in that they are from the Netherlands? The Broekhuijsen family. The Broekhuijsens were a family of ex-pats who moved to the Dominican Republic in 2001. Arriving in an unfamiliar land, and lacking the support and comfort they were used to at home, was tough for this group of Dutch folks. Just like it must have been tough for the Netherlands baseball team. They were thousands of miles from home, and fitting in was hard. Whether it was because they were an unappreciated baseball squad, or because they were white, blending in well with these foreign worlds was going to be a challenge.

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Santo Sabado: Saturday’s Game Enlightens Us All About Semifinal Seeding

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The players find it hilarious that all of Jose Reyes’s teeth fell out. But how will he chew? Not so funny when you consider that issue.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 2, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The tourism battle between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.

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When you’re thinking of a nice Caribbean vacation, you’d probably consider going to either the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico. Just like baseball. When you’re thinking of good baseball, you’d probably consider either the Dominican Republic or the USA. I mean Puerto Rico, which is kind of the USA anyway.

The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico are the two most visited vacation destinations in the Caribbean. Source: Wikipedia said that in a sentence and fact checking is boring, so lets go with it. Puerto Rico has historically been on top, but the Dominican surely wants to be recognized as number one. I’m surprised they aren’t already, as Jose Lima’s gravesite should be a pilgrimage for any baseball fan from the 90s, much like Mecca.

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All Akimbrel: U.S. Left With Hands on Hips After Tough Loss

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, United States 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game:: The American occupation of the Dominican Republic in 1965-66

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I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “How could the U.S. occupation of the Dominican Republic, which lead to an American-favored ruler being installed as President who would rule for two decades, be considered a metaphor for a game in which American was defeated?”

I’ll tell you how, you heartless bastard. No military intervention in another country’s domestic affairs can EVER be considered a victory, because foreign occupations for the sake of American strategic gain are MORALLY REPUGNANT. Even when the other country is in the midst of a civil war, as the DR was in 1965, military action cannot be justified. WHO ARE WE to decide the fate of the Dominican people? WHO ARE WE to decide that they would be better off if they “didn’t have a civil war?”

Lyndon Johnson may have thought he won this war, but his soul was defeated. The ethics of U.S. foreign policy suffered a loss in the Dominican Republic comparable to Craig Kimbrel giving up a go-ahead single to Eric Aybar in the 9th inning last night.

And the United States never recovered from its moral failing. Vietnam, Iraq, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq again, Libya. Not coming back against Fernando Rodney in the bottom of the 9th. Look how far America has fallen from its righteous beginnings.

True victories are not measured in battles won, casualties sustained, or economic and political benefits attained. They are measured by whether we have abided by our moral principles.

And also, runs scored.

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Habemus Rapem: Worthy Contenders from the Americas End European Control Over Church of Baseball

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Look at that great framed photo of Jesus Flores.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 5, Italy 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio to the Papacy.

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We here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram always try to keep up with the trendiest, most current stories. That’s why we’re developing a hilarious Macarana parody, so get ready.

But there is no bigger story currently in the news than the election of the new Pope. Pope Francis I is very notable, in that he marks the first time a Pope has come from the Americas, ending centuries of European domination. While in the case of the 2013 WBC it was only a few days of Italian domination, we still think the metaphor applies. Plus I really wanted to use this title, so I thought I’d go with it.

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Dominicanatrix: Puerto Ricans Are Submissive to Dominican Whipping

A smiling Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body to the left until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

An exuberant Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Puerto Rico 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Unwanted immigration from the Dominican Republic to Puerto Rico

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They just keep coming. Dominicans, pouring across home plate, pouring across the Mona Passage. No pitching, defense, or U.S. coast guard can stop them. What’s a poor Puerto Rican (Poorto Rican?) to do?

It’s not Puerto Rico’s fault that the Dominican Republic has a terrible economy and a great offense. It’s not their fault that the Dominican Republic is right next to the even worse country of Haiti and has Robinson Cano on their team to hit beautiful, beautiful home runs.

It is a little bit their fault that their starting pitcher was Orlando Roman, who has never and will never succeed in a baseball league anyone cares about. It is also a little bit their fault that they haven’t bothered to become a U.S. state so the U.S. government doesn’t care all that much how many illegal Dominicans show up on the island. But on the whole, Puerto Rico is the victim here, of the Dominican Republic’s merciless immigrants and amazing-baseball-player-producing factories.

I wish there was some way to help them, but I’m afraid it’s too late for Puerto Rico. Their normal jobs will all be taken by Dominicans, and they won’t even be able to get jobs as professional baseball players because the Dominicans will have taken all those jobs too. They are doomed to lead depressing lives of sitting on the beach doing nothing in a tropical paradise.

Tragic.

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Ca-raucous Outburst of Offense: Venezuela Takes Spanish Crown Down

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Spanish-Venezuelan tensions had cooled in recent years, as President Hugo Chavez and King Juan Carlos had become ballroom dancing partners.

Final Score: Venezuela 11, Spain 6.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Venezuelan Declaration of Independence.

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If there’s one thing that pisses off Venezuela it’s, well, there are actually a lot of things that piss of Venezuelans. Let me just scroll through this 48-page Word document I have to make sure the one I wanted is there… George W. Bush, no… Jews? Really? I didn’t know that, but no… Ah, yes. Here it is. Spain.

Spain once controlled the area that is now Venezuela, and treated them quite poorly. After many years of oppression, the Venezuelans said enough is enough, which is coincidentally what Miguel Cabrera often tells Prince Fielder as to ensure some of the pre-game buffet remains for other players.

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Spain and Gain: Dominicans “Rock” Spain, Make Their “Mark”

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An effort to get the hot dog vendor’s attention falls short for Carlos Santana.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 6, Spain 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Dominican Restoration War.

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The Dominican Republic is not the feared baseball nation it once was. Its national pride has taken a hit as the team has struggled in the past two WBCs. And what’s even worse is that Dominicans no longer have impressive website making skills to fall back on. Coming into their game vs. Spain they might as well have changed their name to the Dominican’t Republic. Or the Diminishedcan Republic. Or the Shitty Dominican Republic. Any of those clever names work.

But historically all it takes for the DR to get their national pride back is a good ol’ whipping of Spain. From 1863 to 1865, the Dominicans and Spain fought in the Dominican Restoration War, a conflict where a rebellious Dominicans aimed to reclaim their territory from Spain. The Dominican players followed in their ancestors’ footsteps by doing everything they could to evict Spain from the baseball field territory, most notably turning on the sprinklers and passive-aggressively shouting leave during a brief 4th inning delay. Eventually the groundskeepers found the off switch.

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Venez-wail-a: Dominican Republic Shows No Sympathy for Mourners

Final Score: Dominican Republic 9, Venezuela 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Hugo Chavez cuts off oil supply to the DR in 2003

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The shadow of Hugo “Eric” Chavez loomed large over this game. A titan of Latin American politics, Chavez was an admired but flawed and kind of crazy leader. His long presidency was marred by such scandals as the kidnapping of Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos and also some other stuff.

A turning point in the reign of Chavez was the coup of 2002, in which he was briefly removed from power before leveraging his popular support to recover it. In the aftermath of the coup, Chavez was naturally paranoid about who had been involved in the attempt to get rid of him. One of the places at which he pointed his chubby finger was none other than the Dominican Republic.

In 2003, Chavez cut off Venezuela’s oil supply to the DR in retaliation for their supposed involvement. The move was a serious blow to the Dominican economy, and it was years before Venezuela-Dominican Republic relations “recovered.”

But they never truly recovered. For years, Dominicans let their resentment towards Chavez fester, mutating into a deep-seated hatred for the Venezuelan president. They bided their time, waiting for the opportunity to get their revenge. They kept biding. They bided some more. They thought about doing something, but then decided it was probably a bad idea. More biding. Years of biding.

They bided so long that Hugo Chavez died of natural causes. And only then did the Dominicans take the opportunity to strike, posthumously. They beat Chavez’s national baseball team, 9-3.

Hugo Chavez is dead, and the Venezuelan hopes at the World Baseball Classic are dying fast.

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