Tag Archives: Drew Storen

You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats

Image

They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.

———-

I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gio Wilikers: Gonzalez is Surprisingly Good With Bat and Normally Good With Ball

This sunset is decidedly not a metaphor for the start of baseball season, and is thus useless to me.

This lovely sunset is decidedly not a metaphor for the start of baseball season, and is thus useless to me.

Final Score: Nationals 3, Marlins 0

Belle of the Ball: Gio Gonzalez. Gio clearly knows that nothing dispels allegations of steroid use like a sharp uptick in home run rate.

Smell of the Ball: Ian Desmond. How could anyone other than Desmond receive my first ever Smell of the Ball award? And with an 0-4-with-an-error performance in the game, his pungency was particularly putrid.

——–

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we’re back. Back at Nationals Park, the site of such much joy and pain on a cold October night just under half a year ago. The dull ache of Game 5 was acutely resurrected as I passed through the center field gates, but this time it was accompanied with the promise of another wildly successful season (minus the crushing disappointment at its conclusion, ideally).

Some things at Nationals Park were different, but many more were just the same as I left them. Here’s one thing that was the same: it was still really fucking cold. Honestly, Washington DC, you had six months to come up with some kind of weather that isn’t extremely unpleasant to watch a baseball game in, and you totally failed.

One thing that made this night-after-the-end-of-Passover different from all other nights was that on this night, hot dogs cost $1. I decided to take advantage of the theoretically appealing opportunity at the start of the third inning. Unfortunately, $1 hot dogs must have some kind of universal appeal, because the entirety of Nationals Park decided to avoid all other concession options and flock to the usually-deserted Nats Dogs stand. I waited in that line for three entire innings of fortunately uneventful baseball. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Clippard Signs, Zimmermann Heads to Arbitration

Image

Jordan’s bare chested jersey design is met with applause by the ladies.

The final two arbitration cases for the Nationals have come into clearer focus. Tyler Clippard became the 6th national to sign a contract to avoid arbitration, agreeing to a $4 million deal. How this will affect Tyler and Drew’s relationship has yet to be seen. I hope Drew doesn’t feel emasculated, with Tyler becoming the main wage earner in their household. But as I said yesterday, it’s hard to imagine Drew being successfully emasculated with the plethora of balls he seems to keep producing.

As for the 7th arbitration case, it seems that Jordan Zimmermann and the team are headed towards an arbitration hearing. Zimmermann has filed for $5.8 million, while the team has offered $4.6 million. I’m siding with Jordan here, and not just cause if he ever ended up elsewhere our blog name would be ruined. Jordan is well worth double what he’s asking, but the team seems to be unwilling to meet his demands. There is a historic precedent for this, as Jordan only has 2 “n”s at the end of his name, while he originally wanted 17. The team didn’t have the fabric for that.

I hope the team and Jordan come to an agreement soon, because I’m sure that thezimmermantelegram.wordpress.com has been snatched up by a fan waiting to sell it to us for billions, since that is what its worth.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Storen and Nats Avoid Arbitration

Image

Drew attempts to celebrate with a high five, but something goes terribly wrong.

Drew Storen has avoided arbitration just like he avoids the strike zone, by agreeing to a 1 year, $2.5 million contract with bonuses that can reach $1 million more. So clearly the Nationals will be handing out contracts with a dollar value about equal to the number of people the player let down in October.

Ah, I’m sorry. It’s unfair to still be mad at Drew. He’s a great talent and a great man. No, not character wise. I mean he’s as man as man can be. Just look at all his balls.

Tagged , ,

Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

Image

Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tom Gorzelanny Not Tender Enough

Image

Ladies.

Like John and Jesus before him, Tom Gorzelanny has been non-tendered by the Nationals. This is a huge loss. Not for the team, longmen can be easily replaced. But for us, here on this blog. All kidding aside, Tom was a decently valuable piece of the Nationals pen this year. But with kidding considered, Tom was a hugely valuable source of jokes for this blog in the past year.

We had our fun with Davey Johnson being old, and Tyler and Drew’s bullpen romance. But no jokes were quite as common and as powerful as those about Tom Gorzelanny’s attractiveness. It’s easy to be witty and come up with good clever satire. But to make constant jokes about someone’s physical appearance, well, that’s the sign of a true comedic genius. But now, without Tom’s inspiration to repeat the same joke a dozen times a week, what are we to do? Come up with thoughtful, clever comments? Ha, I’ll have you know that I come from the comedy school of Dat Phan and would never think of such a thing.

For all that Tom gave us, I feel it is right to give him a proper sendoff. Good luck, Tom. Good luck finding a new team that sees the potential you have. I know it might be tough, given nobody really wants to look at you that closely. But if you’d like, I’ll give you a recommendation. Just please use the phone and don’t show up at my house like that one time. I know it was Halloween, but that’s still no excuse to be that terrifying.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Cole Kimball Wins the AFL’s Stenson Award

Image

Though many teammates are still unwilling to validate his insistance on being ready for the National Anthem at all times.

Gio may not have won the Cy Young, but a Nationals pitcher is taking home an even bigger award. That’s right, Cole Kimball has won the Stenson Award in the Arizona Fall League. Why is this award so important you ask? Well instead of recognizing Wins, ERA and Ks, it recognizes “unselfishness, hard work and leadership,” according to MLB.com. You know, some of those weird sabremetrics people aren’t quite ready to adopt yet but are much better at determining a pitcher’s value.

Kimball is working his way back from surgery in 2011, but could be a valuable member of the Nats bullpen down the line. We need another right hander now in our pen, considering Drew Storen will spend most of his game days in the stocks, with people throwing eggs at him.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Adam LaRoche Wins Gold Glove

Image

His official Gold Glove portrait. Still not sure why they make players take these.

Just moments ago, Adam LaRoche took home his first career Gold Glove award. He’s the 2nd National ever to win the award, behind Ryan Zimmerman in 2009. Upon receiving the award in his hands, Adam exclaimed, “fits like a glove!” Followed by a few moments of awkward silence, he was booed off stage and told to never make stupid jokes like that again.

The award is Adam’s first major individual accolade since being named a Topps All-Star Rookie first baseman in 2004. Sure that meant something at the time, but we all know there’s no real market for Topps anymore.

What awards will be given to Nationals players as the offseason continues? Manager of the Year for Davey Johnson? Rookie of the Year for Bryce Harper? Staggering Disappointment of the Year for Drew Storen? We’ll have to wait and see!

Tagged , , , , , , ,