Tag Archives: Elijah Dukes

Nationals Sign Jerad Head


Why show the rest of him?

We got Head! Sadly, it wasn’t of major league caliber and it cost us a couple thousand dollars. Next time I’ll find a better hooker.

The Nationals signed Jerad Head to a minor league contract. Head’s greatest claim to fame so far could be his assault of a bouncer in Akron. I’ve missed Elijah Dukes quite a bit, so I think this signing is a great one.

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Nats Clinch Playoff Spot


Not this one. Anyone can go to this playoff spot. Well, not this season actually.

We have done it. The Washington Nationals are postseason bound for the first time in this team’s history. From 2005-2011, this team “worked hard” to make the playoffs. At least that’s what they say. But signing people like Elijah Dukes and Wil Nieves suggested they wanted to be anywhere but the postseason.

However this season has been special, and now the team is guaranteed to play October baseball. Oh, yeah I guess that’s been a guarantee ever since the regular season was scheduled to run a little late this year. But playing the Phillies is not so much meaningful nowadays as it is traumatizing. How am I supposed to explain to my child that people can smell as bad and be as ugly as them? Please think of an alternative to letting him watch Tom Gorzelanny appearances. That would be even more frightening.

It’s the first playoff appearance for the franchise since 1981, and the first for a Washington team since 1933, just around Davey Johnson’s college graduation. Hopefully a division title is just around the corner, because if it isn’t then we’ll have to play a wildcard tiebreaker. And if you think that’s not a big deal, well guess what. No team hasĀ everĀ won a wildcard tiebreaker. That’s how tough it is.

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Leake-y Reds Make Mess: Nats Win Game, Support of McCarthyists

Since I am on my phone, I can’t get a picture off the internet. This is my representation of the game.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Reds 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-5, 1 R, 3 RBI, 1 HR, 1 SB, 1 K. This is the type of shark attack I like to see. No death, no mangled limbs, and the only reason people will feel like they’re losing so much blood is because it’ll be rushing from their heads to their erections that come about due to how well Shark is doing.

Shame of the Game:

Mike Leake: Loss, 3 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. While some teams hire personal translators, the Reds have put out feelers for a personal plumber to prevent anymore Leake-ing. He really just causes a great big mess.

Last night’s game marked the second straight Gio start that the Nats’ bats have come alive and scored 7 runs. I really am starting to believe that Gio-thermal energy is the best form of energy, just look at how poorly other energy means have worked in powering this team to victory. When Davey Johnson stuck nuclear rods of plutonium into each players back pocket, did it work? No, Tom Gorzelanny just became even more mutated (hard to tell though). When Mike Rizzo put coal in everyone’s locker did they excel and win? No, they all broke down in tears thinking Santa wasn’t coming. The Nats need Gio-thermal energy.

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