Tag Archives: Eury Perez

Beastiality: Morse Forces Himself on Unwilling Phillies

 

Eury Perez hastily scrambles out of the grasp of a lustily thrusting Jeremy Horst. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI. Once was not enough. His appetite is insatiable.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Cloyd: 5 IP, 6 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. His poor pitching was almost too sweet for the Nats. I might even say that its excessive pleasantness for Nationals batters was cloyding.

——–

And then there were three.

Three miserable little numbers, cowering in fear at the end of the road as the Natmobile careens wildly towards them, leaving a trail of crushed and crumpled numbers lying in its wake. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, and 5 are already a distant memory, and 4 now shudders its final dying twitches.

The details of the grisly affair seem almost superfluous. Number 4 was just another nameless victim of the out-of-control Natmobile. The goal is too near to worry about the particulars of the collateral damage.

At the end of the road lies the NLDS. The Natmobile is an unstoppable force, and the objects in its path are decidedly movable.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Eury Perez

The beginning of what I can only hope is a long and productive career of slamming his head into Mets players’ crotches.

EURY PEREZ’ DARK SECRET EXPOSED

Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive: long-hidden origin of Eury Perez’s first name finally revealed.

We have received an explanation of the name from “someone who knew Eury as a child” who only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. This is that source’s story:

“Heh, yeah. So Eury wasn’t always called Eury. He used to be named something boring, like John or Steve or Dust-Sock. No, it definitely wasn’t Dust-Sock, that was this other kid. Anyway, so apparently one day when he was like 6 he was just standing on the playground and he accidentally started peeing. Bad timing on his part, cause he’d also forgotten to zip up his fly from the last time he peed and no one told him cause it was funny to watch him walk around with his fly unzipped. But the joke was on them because he peed through his open fly and it went all over everyone. Naturally the pee incident was the only thing he was known for until he started playing baseball.

He went home to cry to his parents about it but they thought it was so funny that they decided to legally change his first name from whatever it was to Urine. Urine Perez. As with all kids with terrible names he had to find a nickname that was less bad, so just as you might change Jonathan to Johnny or Steven to Stevie or Dust-Sock to Dust-Socky, he got people to call him Eury instead of Urine.

I don’t think anyone ever told him that he could legally change his name to something else that doesn’t evoke a horrible childhood memory or the cruelty of his parents. But it’s really funny, so you better not be the one to ruin it.”

Mum’s the word, anonymous source.

This urine-related story has been brought to you by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. The Zimmerman(n) Telegram: at the forefront of yellow journalism.

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Your First Place 2012 Washington Nationals Men’s Gymnastics Team

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The Nationals showing off their new alternate uniforms.

Rookie hazing is a part of baseball. It’s kind of like fraternity hazing, only there’s a lot less alcohol involved. Unless you’re a member of the Houston Astros, where that is the only thing to numb the harsh reality that you’re a Houston Astro. Thanks to a tweet from Gio Gonzalez, we found out just how the Nationals are hazing their rookies; by making them dress up as the 2012 USA women’s Olympic gymnastics team.

Well now just who is who? Which National is which Gold Medalist Olympian?

Continue reading

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Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too horrible about his start.

——–

Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades. Continue reading

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Welcome Our September Call Ups!

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They’re so excited to get started!

It’s September again, and you know what that means. New call ups! Sure it can be a little intimidating coming into a new situation like this, but hopefully fellow students, of the game, will help them adjust. To get to know all these new players, I handed out “Getting to Know You” cards for them to fill out and share with the class. So let’s see what they said.

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