Tag Archives: executions

A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return.  Continue reading

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Tasty Morsels: Homers Help Nats Chow Down on Houston

Lucas Harrell forgot his sled, and the fact that it wasn’t snowing, and the fact that he was supposed to be pitching. But he’s persistent. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Astros 0

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-3, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Morse’s first home run was a tape measure shot, and I don’t mean everyone’s favorite drink where you grind up a tape measure and mix it with vodka.

Shame of the Game:

The Houston Astros franchise. It doesn’t get much more shameful than playing for them, or being otherwise employed by them, or hoping they’ll win.

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On Sunday night, the Astros probably lay in bed thinking “man, the only way this season could get worse is if we got swept by the Nationals.” Not just because such an outcome would be demoralizing, but also because literally the only result of a four game series that would actually cause the Astros’ winning percentage to go down significantly would be a sweep.

The Astros’ season just got worse.

It’s pretty sad. Beating the Astros is kinda like walking down the street and shoving children into oncoming traffic. Or assassinating someone who’s already hanging from a noose. Or setting a retirement home on fire. Or telling Tom Gorzelanny’s date that he has an STD. Just cruel. Continue reading

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Runs, Runs, What Are They Good For? Quite A Lot, Actually

“Come on Michael, stop grabbing my boob and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Rockies 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 2 HR, 3 R, 3 RBI, BB, 2 K. Wow, a Dame of the Game where my only choices weren’t the starting pitcher, someone from the other team, or F. P. Santangelo. Of course if I had my way, F. P. would be the Dame of every Game, but rules are rules.

Shame of the Game:

Guillermo Moscoso: 1.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, 1 BB, 3 K. If I were a Rockies fan, now’s about when I’d be starting a “Guillermo to the Guillotine” campaign.

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A man trudges across a desert. He has been among the sand dunes and under the hot sun for weeks, months–he can’t even remember how long. His sense of time has melted in the heat. He has managed to survive this long on the meager supplies in his pack, but he is almost out. He can feel the end approaching. His strength is all but gone. 

The man tries to scale one more dune, but the effort is too great. He collapses to the sand. “Runs,” he croaks, gazing up at the angry sun, “I need runs.” It had been so long since he’d had enough runs to satisfy his thirst. But he can’t give up. If he does, he’ll die. He claws his way up to the crest of the dune.

And then…he sees it. An oasis. At first he doesn’t believe his eyes. A mirage, he thinks. His mind must be playing tricks on him. But no. It’s too real. It’s unmistakable. It’s…Coors Field.

The man knows he will live to trudge another day. Continue reading

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