Tag Archives: eyes

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Nats Catch Tigers By Toe, Don’t Let Go When They Holler

Game 1:

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche's eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche’s eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Tigers 1

This game marked a historic moment: the three billlionth anniversary of the day that Davey Johnson first clawed his way out of the primordial soup.

It was also less notable as being the first time that the Nationals have ever beaten the Tigers in a real live major league baseball game. It’s another relic of the Nationals’ embarrassing past shed, like when your mom finally incinerates your collection of Magic: The Gathering cards or when a really ugly person that you hooked up with once finally dies.

This is a new, more mature and discerning age of Nationals baseball. We can do things like beat the Tigers and have people like Jordan Zimmermann on our team, now, and people won’t think we’re getting too high above our station. We no longer have to be ashamed to exist. That’s the mark of a great baseball franchise.
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Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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Rejected Roger Bernadina Sign

Every man and woman eventually reaches a point where they have to draw a line, and say “that’s too racist to take out in public.” For us, it might take further to reach that line than most people. But the picture above is an example of something that sadly lies beyond that line.

A higher quality of the truly horrifying Great Black Shark image we did end up proudly displaying at Nats Park is below. Continue reading

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

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We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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Drawing Stras: Short One Means Tall Pitcher, Marlins Get It

It lingered. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 1

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 H, BB, 6 K; 1-2, 2 RBI, R. Strasburg’s continued offensive success has gone from being humorous to being a statistical anomaly to being downright unsettling, in a creepy, paranormal activity kind of way. The mere fact that he’s hitting .343 in August makes me more likely to believe in ghosts.

Shame of the Game:

Justin Ruggiano: 0-4, 2K. Serves him right for continuing to have a better OPS than Stephen Strasburg. The nerve!

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Ah, to be young and Stephen Strasburg. To feel impervious to death, to feel like nothing can hurt you, no matter what you do. For most young people who think this, they are dangerously wrong. But for Stephen Strasburg, he’s pretty much right, dangerously so for everyone else in his way. The Marlins tried to stand in his way Sunday, or at least near his way. Then they lost. The Marlins are also young, but unlike Strasburg, they are actually mortal.

The one offensive bright spot for the Marlins was Jose Reyes, who was able to extend his hitting streak to 24 games despite facing someone who’s probably doesn’t even operate on his same plane of existence. Reyes doesn’t have have the greatest grasp of the subtleties of the English language, however, so when he was informed that he was on a “hitting streak” he immediately disrobed and ran around slapping everyone in sight.

Drew Storen earned his first save of the season with a scoreless 9th inning. It seems that Davey Johnson is now alternating closing duties between Clippard and Storen, which makes any Tippeca-Drew and Tyler Too 8th and 9th inning combination unlikely. It’s fine to keep this closer primary going for a while, but eventually a nominee needs to be chosen. They’ll inevitably end up being on the same ticket eventually–at some point the Nationals party just needs pick one for the top spot, lest Natstown be rent in twain by a nasty primary process.

The whole team needs to come together and keep their eyes on the real prize. The Rolaids Relief Man award, of course.

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