Tag Archives: F.P. Santangelo

Zach Duke Retweets Us

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An accurate depiction of my emotions when I found out.

We have made efforts in the past to reach out to Nationals players, trying to make them and their followers aware of our efforts here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. One time recently I tweeted at Michael Morse in Morse Code, asking how he felt. He replied with “Sick!” He was either failing to understand what I had asked, or he was desperately calling for help.

Just a few days ago, I tweeted our story about Bob and F.P. returning to F.P. Santangelo, which led to him following us on Twitter. I can assume he liked it, but maybe he just follows anyone who tweets at him. Although being followed by big names isn’t new for us. We’re followed by @IanDesmondNews which totally isn’t a bot or anything.

But just yesterday, a story of ours was retweeted by Zach Duke, right in the midst of Zach Duke Week. Here’s the proof!

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Bob and F.P. Coming Back

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It was a tough negotiating process, but F.P. finally got MASN to throw in a bunch of napkins so he could replicate classic moments like this. And also dribble spit uncontrollably without worrying about getting his shirt wet.

Losing a star hitter? Sad, as I’m sure Texas will soon tell you. Seeing an ace go to a rival? Also troubling, which I’m sure the Angels would agree with when Greinke leaves. But losing an announce booth? That might be the worst pain of all, unless you’re a White Sox fan of course. Because there is no greater pain I’m aware of than hearing Hawk Harrelson make your ears bleed every time someone hits a home run.

But for the Nationals, losing their announce team from last year would be a big blow. Thankfully, Bob and F.P. are coming back, as MASN has agreed to deals with them both for the 2013 season.

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Eighth Wonder of the World: Nats’ Eight Game Winning Streak Rivals Pyramids, Colossus

I know Jayson Werth is extremely huggable, Stephen, but there’s a time and a place. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Diamondbacks 5

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, R, RBI, BB. Werth has been pretty good since coming back from the disabled list. So good it makes me want to give him $126 million. Well, not actually.

Shame of the Game:

Wade Miley: 4.1 IP, 6 R, 4 ER, 9 H, BB, 2 K. Miley’s not smiley.

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Last year, it was a big deal when the Nats won eight games in a row. Now, it’s a bit…passé. Seems to happen every couple weeks. Especially playing eight games against teams that would probably lose eight straight games against any team that hadn’t already given up on the season and was using their at-bats to practice their golf swings.

Sapping more of the excitement out of this streak is the fact that the Braves have also won most of their last eight games, presumably just to annoy us. The Braves just keep sticking around at about four games back, like a remora fish on our Sharkadina-led juggernaut. As long as this relationship stays commensal, I won’t complain too much. But don’t you DARE start being parasites, Atlanta. We will FUCK YOU UP. Continue reading

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Runs, Runs, What Are They Good For? Quite A Lot, Actually

“Come on Michael, stop grabbing my boob and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Rockies 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 2 HR, 3 R, 3 RBI, BB, 2 K. Wow, a Dame of the Game where my only choices weren’t the starting pitcher, someone from the other team, or F. P. Santangelo. Of course if I had my way, F. P. would be the Dame of every Game, but rules are rules.

Shame of the Game:

Guillermo Moscoso: 1.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, 1 BB, 3 K. If I were a Rockies fan, now’s about when I’d be starting a “Guillermo to the Guillotine” campaign.

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A man trudges across a desert. He has been among the sand dunes and under the hot sun for weeks, months–he can’t even remember how long. His sense of time has melted in the heat. He has managed to survive this long on the meager supplies in his pack, but he is almost out. He can feel the end approaching. His strength is all but gone. 

The man tries to scale one more dune, but the effort is too great. He collapses to the sand. “Runs,” he croaks, gazing up at the angry sun, “I need runs.” It had been so long since he’d had enough runs to satisfy his thirst. But he can’t give up. If he does, he’ll die. He claws his way up to the crest of the dune.

And then…he sees it. An oasis. At first he doesn’t believe his eyes. A mirage, he thinks. His mind must be playing tricks on him. But no. It’s too real. It’s unmistakable. It’s…Coors Field.

The man knows he will live to trudge another day. Continue reading

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Jason Golden Fleeces Nats Out of Win: Hammel and the Or-gonauts Take Opener

This kid thinks he’s so clever, wearing gear from both teams to try and get as many autographs as possible. Well, no one’s going to reward such flagrant pandering–I think he’s overstretching himself. Also, his clothing. Cause he’s fat. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 H, BB, K. We jest about Zimmermann not getting any run support because people don’t like him. But this sample size is only getting larger and less dismissable by the game. Does he make loud and disgusting noises when he eats? Does he give terrible birthday presents? It’s still a mystery.

Shame of the Game: 

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, K. Both Zimmerman(n)s are represented in today’s game dame/shames. This would be more exciting for The Zimmerman(n) Telegram except for the fact that we probably wouldn’t have named a blog after Ryan if we knew he was going to be so bad. Ryan’s whole season at the plate has been a bit on the shameful side. I can only assume he’s been distracted by his other, more foreign ministerial duties.

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The Battle of the Beltway resumed on Friday. A classic piece of military wisdom is that sometimes the best way to win a battle is to not fight it at all. The Nats may have been well-served to heed this advice, as they lost the opening skirmish of the Battle’s second round. Although, if they hadn’t fought the battle they probably would’ve just forfeited, which would have produced the same result in the standings. They may actually have been better served by just not striking out ten times against Jason Hammel. I guess baseball and war are not always analogous.

Now I finally understand why Sun Tzu’s brief foray into baseball analysis failed. And why Harold Reynolds’ brief foray into being a general resulted in his entire army immediately dying and him cowering behind a bush for several weeks. Continue reading

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The Daisuke Has Been Cast: Nats Roll in Matsuzaka’s Return

This was actually the cover photo in the latest issue of Asian Nipples Weekly. (Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6.1 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Mike Gonzalez did not manage the runners he inherited from Gio very well, allowing two of them to score. In related news, Mike Gonzalez was recently removed from Gio Gonzalez’s will.

Shame of the Game:

Daisuke Matsuzaka: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. First the earthquake and nuclear meltdown, and now this guy’s representing them again. Tough times for the Japanese.

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The Curse of the Bambino, caused by the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees, prevented Boston from winning a World Series for 86 years. Now the Red Sox have a new curse to contend with: the Curse of F. P. Santangelo, caused by F. P. merely entering Fenway Park. Since that happened, the Red Sox have not won a game against the Nationals. The curse is indisputable. I have never seen a more obvious causal chain.

Gio Gonzalez helped the curse along by holding the Red Sox at bay into the 7th inning. His biggest scare of the night happened when he and Jesus Flores got crossed up, leading to Flores getting hit in the crotch with a curveball. By the law of the Curse of the Catcher, Flores’ cup should have shattered into millions of tiny cup-pieces which would embed in his groin, rendering him incapable of catching again or fathering children. However, he was fine. This startling turn of events leads me to believe that perhaps the Nationals can only have one curse at a time and F. P. Santangelo has rendered the old curse obsolete through his Santangelic powers.

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Upcoming Potomac Nationals Promotions

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Potomac Nats promotional days have been a hit since "Fielders use bats instead of gloves day."

If you were watching the MASN broadcast of the Nationals game just now, you heard Bob Carpenter and F.P. Santangelo talk about upcoming Potomac Nationals promotions. They mentioned the actual not a joke Titanic Sunday promotion that they’re having this upcoming weekend. What are the specifics of the promotion? Well, women and children get in 15 minutes early, and an “iceberg giveaway.” Thank goodness for good taste.

F.P. went on to say some more Potomac promotional days which I can safely say (while lying) are also real promotional days coming up. Now he only said the promotions’ names, but didn’t say what they involved. So let’s predict what F.P.’s promotional suggestions would entail.

Hindenburg Monday: Come out to the ballpark to see the Goodyear Blimp in action! Note: the blimp will not be there for the whole game.

Poseidon Tuesday: Upon entering the parking lot your car will be flipped upside down and submerged in water. If you can escape then enjoy the festivities! Kurt Russell will be signing autographs.

Earthquake Wednesday: Ever wonder what it’s like to watch a baseball game while fearing for your life? Well wonder no longer, as the foundation crumbles at your feet and the stadium collapses! Disaster relief will be given to the first 15 lucky fans!

I think F.P.’s suggestions will go over well with the Potomac fans. At least those who survive.

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