Tag Archives: failures

Well Mets: Nats Happy to See, Beat Funniest Team in Baseball

The ball wasn’t even moving, and they still ended up like this trying to get it. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-4, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB. Bryce, Bryce baby.

Shame of the Game:

Pedro Beato: .1 IP, 4 ER, 4 H, BB. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Oh, were you so horrible because you sneezed every time you tried to throw a pitch?

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Ah, The Mets. They’re not that bad, really. Their actual baseball talent level this year is better than most people expected it to be. Their ability to lose baseball games in the most hilarious and soul-annihilating-to-their-fans ways possible, however, is exactly what people expected it to be: fantastic. They’re the best. No one can top them at this highly not-coveted skill. They are the baseball team equivalent of a sad clown.

The Nats had a lovely evening out at the circus last night. The whole event wasn’t a comedy, of course. They spent the first 9 innings admiring the impressive skills of the performers, who kept the game tied at two through some tight rope-walking by starter Chris Young and impressive feats of strength from strongmen David Wright and Ike Davis. They even had a bearded lady named R.A. Dickey. Continue reading

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Harmful Rays Burn Nats: Wang Loses Out As Price Is Too Much

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Rick Eckstein’s celebration turns sour as he spots his evil twin across the field (To clarify, David Eckstein kills house pets). (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rays 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 3.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K. Detwiler? I barely know her! Hahaha, but seriously this guy should probably be starting and not Chien-Ming Wang. Why we rely on him to backup Wang when Chien does poorly, well, I’m at a Ross for words. I also apparently have a stereotypically Asian accent.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: Loss, 3.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 3 BB, 1 K. The Nationals-Wang relationship in my eyes has proven to be as unfulfilling as Chien-Ming Wang’s marriage in Wang’s eyes. It’s time we remove Wang from the rotation, and stick solely to vaginas.

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Bryce vs. Price I. Two of the first overall picks from recent MLB Drafts faced off for the first time tonight in a highly anticipated battle. So highly anticipated, that I didn’t know it was happening until earlier today when I read someone’s tweet about it. Who won the battle of these two draft titans? Sadly the Price is right, in that Price is the correct answer to who came out on top. Price got Harper out twice while walking him once, suggesting that all teams should release their 2010 draft picks and stock up on 2007 draft picks, for they will surely be more rewarding. So hurry up and buy high on Andrew Brackman and Matt LaPorta, because while it didn’t work the first time, the law of averages will surely catch up to their careers.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Carlos Maldonado

If you could see the expression on Maldonado’s face, you would be looking at a face of abject glee bordering on mild orgasm.

Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine that you’re Carlos Maldonado. It can’t be easy being Carlos Maldonado. It’s tough to make a good first impression, because everyone’s first impression of you is going to be that you’re bad. First of all, the Nationals started the season with three people they’d rather have at catcher than you, and a fourth who has taken your backup job now that you’re on the disabled list. That’s bad. Second, the first syllable of your last name literally means “bad.” That’s also bad. Third, you’re actually pretty bad at baseball for someone who plays baseball for their job. So that’s definitely bad. You must have a very hard time convincing people who you meet that you’re not just a generally bad human being.

Now, let’s say you have a crush on that really cute girl who cleans your uniform. You see her at a bar after a game, and you go up to chat. She asks, “So, what do you do?” You tell her that you play baseball. She says, “Oh, what a coincidence! I clean baseball players’ uniforms! Are you good?” Now you’re in a real bind. You could lie and tell her you’re good because she doesn’t seem to know much about baseball, but you’re a bad lier. You could tell her that you’re bad at baseball, except that you’re bad at self-deprecating humor. You know it’s all over. You turn around and trudge home. Another sad night in the life of Carlos Maldonado.

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