Tag Archives: fetishes

William Howard Taft: The Next President

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Sexual fetishes were different in the early 1900s.

A while ago we wrote a post regarding rumors about a new president to be added to the Presidents Race. Well, we never followed up on it, but the Washington Nationals did. Earlier in the week, the Nationals twitter confirmed that a new president would be announced at Nats Fest. Well tonight, as Dan Steinberg first reported, that new president is William Howard Taft.

What does this mean for the Presidents Race, aside for completely restructuring the warning track with support beams to counteract the tremendous downward force of Taft’s extra weight? Well frankly, I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect out of Taft, aside from frequent clogging of the toilet in the presidents’ break room.

One new thing to expect is perhaps the inclusion of a vehicle, not to give Taft an advantage but rather a fighting chance. Perhaps a motorized custom-made bathtub to help him down the track? Honestly if he doesn’t get some form of transport to assist him we’ll need extra paramedics on the sidelines.

I wonder how Teddy feels about this. He was beaten by Taft once, and if it happens again it’ll be pretty soul crushing for Roosevelt. Also Taft historically busted more trusts than Teddy, despite Teddy’s more famous nickname of the “Trust-Buster.” What does this say about the Nationals confidence in Teddy to bust any trusts that get in his way? Certainly nothing supportive. Poor Teddy. Just when he started winning, he loses again.

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Ross the Dross: Nats Remain Short of Division Title with Addition of Bad Pitching

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I’m fine with Kurt Suzuki having a foot fetish, but I’d rather he keep it private. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: .1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Good job relieving Wang. Not many people on this team are willing to help out other guys by doing that, most of them are more interested in girls.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 2.1 IP, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 R (3 ER), 3 K. A Missouri native, Ross was certainly excited about starting his home state. Sadly he was so excited that he was finished way too early.

———-

*Bell ringing*

Teacher: Alright class, now take your seats. I heard you’ve been having a little bit of trouble becoming division champs, so I was asked by Mike Rizzo to teach you some math. Now I know what some of you are saying. What does being good at division have to do with winning your division? Well, they involve the same word. And that’s how English works, right? I don’t know, I’m a math teacher. Let’s begin. We’ll start with attendance. Jayson?

Werth: Here.

Teacher: Hi Jayson, nice to meet you. Gio?

Gio: Here.

Teacher: Nice to meet you as well, Gio. Tom?

Gorzelanny: Here.

Turning head towards Tom.

Teacher: Hi Tom, it’s great t-AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT? Ok, um, let’s just skip introductions and move onto the division.

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Twenty-first Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Houston AstroCatastrophe

Today's game, which was played on the International Space Station, was delayed in the top of the 4th when the artificial gravity generator went down.

The Nationals lost again to the Houston Astros today, 5-1, presumably because they get some weird sexual gratification out of being really embarrassed. The loss brought the Nationals’ non-winning streak to 10. Here is a list of things that have happened since the Nationals last won a spring training game:

  • Tim Tebow was traded to the Jets
  • Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos
  • Mitt Romney won the Illinois primary
  • Rick Santorum won the Alabama and Mississippi primaries
  • Carlos Baerga endorsed Rick Santorum for president
  • Thousands of people were born, had awkward puberty-related experiences, fell in love, lied to their children, cheated on their spouses, hoped they weren’t going to die, died
  • The time period encompassed by March 13, 2012
  • The Zimmerman(n) Telegram published this profile  of some guy who was later optioned to AAA
  • I’ve eaten like, 15 sandwiches
  • The Nationals were awful the whole time
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