Tag Archives: genitals

Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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Symphony in M. Minor: Braves Outplay Nats Despite Flat Starting Pitcher

No one likes to sit near David Ross cause he looks like he’d kill anyone who tried. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 7, Nationals 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 2B, 2 R, RBI, 2 BB, K. Deck the halls with Adam LaRoche. Fa la la la la, la la LaRoche.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 2 IP, 4 ER, 5 H. Stephen Strasburg left the game due to heat stroke. I hope Chien-Ming Wang left the game due to normal stroke.

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So apparently it was really hot in Atlanta. I wouldn’t know, being in DC, where it was just slightly less really hot. Of course, I stayed within the friendly confines of very-much-conditioned air, oblivious to the maelstrom of flame that no doubt would have greeted me had I set a foot outside my door. As such, I have NO SYMPATHY whatsoever for Stephen Strasburg, who departed after three innings due to “heat exhaustion.” His untimely exit led to two innings of quintessentially latter-day Wangian baseball, by which I mean Chien-Ming Wang gave up a lot of runs.

Clearly we need to toughen Strasburg up. This is the second time this year that he’s left a game because part or all of him was too hot–first the groin, then the whole country (sounds like a strange call to revolution). How should we go about the toughening? To prepare him for the former problem, I’m sure there are some CIA people the Nats can call up to give Strasburg a quick lesson on the finer points of genital-based interrogation. As for the entire-body heat issue, perhaps forcing him to go to work for a few sweltering days in a full suit and tie, like everyone else in DC, would do the trick. If not, there’s always boiling oil. Let the Nats trainers know about these great ideas if you see them. Continue reading

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Saint Stephen’s Canon Canonizes Braves in Shutout

Jayson Heyward did not consent to this game of leapfrog, but when it comes to leapfrog for Danny Espinosa, “No no no” means “Yes yes yes.”  (Alex Brandon/AP)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Braves 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 9 K. It was actually a pretty disappointing day for Strasburg as he went 0-2 at the plate. I say we trade him before his stock falls any lower.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 0-4. You made me wait two months for this pathetic “effort,” Michael Morse? I say we trade him before his stock falls any lower.

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Stephen Strasburg’s genitals have had a tough last couple weeks. First he was beset by (goodness, gracious) Great Balls of Fire, then they grew to such a disproportionately grandiose size that his arm suffered some undue strain. But everything was fine in the ace’s very mentionable unmentionables yesterday, and Strasburg took advantage of his calm crotch to throw seven shutout innings against the Braves. Never have I been happier for a man to have a normal penis (interpret that as you will). Continue reading

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Strasputin Has an Enormous Penis: Potent Nationals Offense Salvages Last Game of Series

Stephen Strasburg found Bryce Harper’s congratulatory gesture to be a bit forward. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Orioles 3

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 5 IP, 3 R, 1 ER, 4 H, 1 BB, 8 K; 2-2, HR, 2 R, RBI. At the conclusion of today’s game, Stephen Strasburg had the highest on-base percentage and slugging percentage of anyone in the Nationals lineup…except Tom Gorzelanny. That would be a funny joke if it weren’t so frighteningly true.

Shame of the Game:

Wei-Yin Chen: 4.1 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. The shame of this performance will surely wei on him.

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It’s always a special event when a pitcher hits a home run. There’s something thrilling about watching someone succeed at something they’re supposed to be very bad at, like watching Tom Gorzelanny talk to a woman without her running away crying. Humanity came up with division of labor for a reason and it has served us pretty well, but the rules of the National League usually require some inefficiency in a batting lineup. Somehow, Stephen Stasburg has managed to render this potential inefficiency irrelevant, since he would probably be the Nationals’ DH if they were allowed to have one. If early humans had been as skilled at everything as Strasburg is, civilizations would have been unnecessary and we’d still be living in a state of nature, throwing 100 mph rocks at deer all day. While that sounds fun, civilization has produced a lot of great things, most notably baseball. The last time I read my Hobbes and Rousseau there was no mention of baseball in the state of nature. So I guess it’s probably for the best that we only have one Strasburg-Leviathan.

But you didn’t click on this post for my philosophical musings. You clicked on it for a picture of Strasputin’s enormous penis, so here it is: Continue reading

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LaRoche Hour: Adam Drives Nats Through Pittsburgh Traffic to Win

WATCH OUT ERIK BEDARD THAT SALIVA IS HEADED RIGHT FOR YOU (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Pirates 4

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 3-4, HR, 4 RBI, R, K. Attention Deficit Disorder? More like Out Deficit Disorder AM I RIGHT

Shame of the Game:

Evan Meek: 1 IP, 3 ER, 1 H, 2 BB, 2 K. Jesus Christ once said “The meek shall inherit the earth.” Jesus was wrong about a lot of things.

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In recent games, the Nationals’ offense has developed an odd habit of not sucking. They have scored at least 6 runs in 4 of their last 6 games including tonight’s bat-ruption, something which I will say without doing any historical research has never happened before. That’s probably not true, but assuming it is adds to the excitement of the Nats’ newfound plate-crossing prowess. Tonight’s Pirate-punishing was led by home runs from Adam “The Face that Launched a Thousand Hits” LaRoche, Ian “Also Committed His 7th Error” Desmond, and Xavier “Still OBPing Under .200” Nady, along with a triple from Bryce “Bam Bam No Thank You Ma’am I’m Still Underage” Harper.  Said Davey Johnson, “Yeah, it just occurred to me a few days ago that giving people candy when they made outs to make them feel better was a bad incentive structure. That program has been eliminated.” Continue reading

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