Tag Archives: George W. Bush

Muerto Rico: U.S. Clobbers “51st State,” Metaphorically Stating That They Suck

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Doesn’t matter, you suck at baseball.

Final Score: USA 7, Puerto Rico 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The issue of Puerto Rican statehood.

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“I like the way American flags are designed and that shouldn’t change!”

This excerpt from Joe Torre’s pre-game pep talk proves one thing. Americans are very content with just having 50 states. And that Joe Torre probably enjoys a pre-game cocktail. So, two things.

For a long time, Puerto Rico has kind of just been there, living a decently uneventful life as an American territory. Much like in baseball, where many Puerto Ricans are just kind of there, controlled by American ownership. Just like how Ruben Sierra was controlled by George W. Bush during Bush’s ownership of the Rangers. Only America doesn’t constantly ask Puerto Rico what they think of our dog paintings like Bush did to Sierra.

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Ca-raucous Outburst of Offense: Venezuela Takes Spanish Crown Down

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Spanish-Venezuelan tensions had cooled in recent years, as President Hugo Chavez and King Juan Carlos had become ballroom dancing partners.

Final Score: Venezuela 11, Spain 6.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Venezuelan Declaration of Independence.

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If there’s one thing that pisses off Venezuela it’s, well, there are actually a lot of things that piss of Venezuelans. Let me just scroll through this 48-page Word document I have to make sure the one I wanted is there… George W. Bush, no… Jews? Really? I didn’t know that, but no… Ah, yes. Here it is. Spain.

Spain once controlled the area that is now Venezuela, and treated them quite poorly. After many years of oppression, the Venezuelans said enough is enough, which is coincidentally what Miguel Cabrera often tells Prince Fielder as to ensure some of the pre-game buffet remains for other players.

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The Rico Get Rico-er: Puerto Rico Adds to Wealth of Victories at Venezuela’s Expense

I'm not sure how the Venezuelans expected to win starting a dead guy...

I’m not sure how the Venezuelans expected to win starting a dead guy…

Final Score: Puerto Rico 6, Venezuela 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Venezuela feeling that Puerto Rico is the  base of the American Caribbean Empire against Venezuela

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Hugo Chavez was a crazy man who believed some pretty crazy things, which makes his passing a bit sad because we will now no longer hear him say any of those crazy things. His hilarious utterances will be sorely missed, if not the other aspects of his existence. In memoriam of his unfailingly creative turns of phrase, this post is dedicated to one of them in particular: his opinion on the island of Puerto Rico.

Chavez felt that PR was in fact being used by the United States as a base of operations for its imperial ambitions in Venezuela and the rest of Latin America. He went so far as to describe Puerto Rico as a “gringo colony” of the U.S., and promised to one day liberate it. He even alleged that the leading U.S. diplomat in Venezuela had met with anti-Chavistas in exile in Puerto Rico.

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NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

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I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

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This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot Moore of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

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I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

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