Tag Archives: ghosts

The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

Game 1:

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki's embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki’s embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Nationals 10, Marlins 3

This game was as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a lot. The world was in harmony; children laughed and played and there were no sad people at all except for Marlins fans, so there were no sad people.

The end. Continue reading

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Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

——–

Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did. Continue reading

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An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.

——–

Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
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Drawing Stras: Short One Means Tall Pitcher, Marlins Get It

It lingered. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 1

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 H, BB, 6 K; 1-2, 2 RBI, R. Strasburg’s continued offensive success has gone from being humorous to being a statistical anomaly to being downright unsettling, in a creepy, paranormal activity kind of way. The mere fact that he’s hitting .343 in August makes me more likely to believe in ghosts.

Shame of the Game:

Justin Ruggiano: 0-4, 2K. Serves him right for continuing to have a better OPS than Stephen Strasburg. The nerve!

——-

Ah, to be young and Stephen Strasburg. To feel impervious to death, to feel like nothing can hurt you, no matter what you do. For most young people who think this, they are dangerously wrong. But for Stephen Strasburg, he’s pretty much right, dangerously so for everyone else in his way. The Marlins tried to stand in his way Sunday, or at least near his way. Then they lost. The Marlins are also young, but unlike Strasburg, they are actually mortal.

The one offensive bright spot for the Marlins was Jose Reyes, who was able to extend his hitting streak to 24 games despite facing someone who’s probably doesn’t even operate on his same plane of existence. Reyes doesn’t have have the greatest grasp of the subtleties of the English language, however, so when he was informed that he was on a “hitting streak” he immediately disrobed and ran around slapping everyone in sight.

Drew Storen earned his first save of the season with a scoreless 9th inning. It seems that Davey Johnson is now alternating closing duties between Clippard and Storen, which makes any Tippeca-Drew and Tyler Too 8th and 9th inning combination unlikely. It’s fine to keep this closer primary going for a while, but eventually a nominee needs to be chosen. They’ll inevitably end up being on the same ticket eventually–at some point the Nationals party just needs pick one for the top spot, lest Natstown be rent in twain by a nasty primary process.

The whole team needs to come together and keep their eyes on the real prize. The Rolaids Relief Man award, of course.

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Marlins Brand ‘o Baseball: Nats Shot Down by Fish ‘n (Bat) Barrels

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Either special camera effects were used to capture this photo, or Edwin Jackson is actually a set of ghost triplets. And I doubt technology is that good yet. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Final Score: Marlins 5, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Zim made the Marlins GIR in anger. However, Miami had Dibs on this game, and came out Tak-ing on another win while leaving the Nats tasting (Ms.) Bitters.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. Edwin was wrecked worse than the 1816 ship of the same name. Also similarly to the shipwreck, aborigines took advantage and stole the Nationals postgame meal, and left the players to suffer on their way back to the team bus. Tom Gorzelanny collapsed from exhaustion.

———-

There was no obvious controversy today like the Harper-Guillen bat issue. Today’s game was a much more boring one than previous ones this series. I mean everything was pretty much expected. Henry Rodriguez had control, Carlos Zambrano pitched a quality start, and the Marlins had 30,000 people in attendance. All things we have come to expect to happen so often! It’s like today was just the perfect encapsulation of everything we have come to know in baseball. Danny Espinosa got 3 hits again, Carlos Lee was a valuable asset out of the three spot in the lineup, and Heath Bell pitched a scoreless inning. Again, all anticipated. It’s like we didn’t need to watch this game at all. In fact, we probably shouldn’t have, because it was awful.

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Chien Up: Wang Controls Balls Well and Squeezes Out A Satisfying Result

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Clippard had a bit of a hard time understanding how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Blue Jays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 3-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce has come into Canada strong by going 6-8 so far in this series, and blowing everyone away. Upon first arriving in Toronto, he remarked that it was kind of the city to erect a giant space needle to represent his manhood, although claimed it was a bit on the small side. Perhaps his quality performance to this point has excited it enough for it to grow another 3 or 4 stories.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Encarnacion: 0-4, 1 K. Edwin hasn’t produced out of a crucial part of the lineup in these two games against the Nationals. I think we’re exposing him for the poor player he actually is. I knew his torrid pace to start the season couldn’t keep going. He couldn’t keep seeing the ball that well; we all know people in his family don’t have good eyes.

———-

Playing on turf is tough for most players. The ball does weird things, it’s bad for your legs, it’s disliked by many players. But the Nationals have been playing so successfully the first two games of the series that they clearly like it. Well little do people know, the Nationals have tremendous seasonal allergies, and being inside an artificial dome is what they have dreamed about for years. They can finally stop having watery eyes, except for the ones caused by tears after seeing Davey put Espinosa back in the leadoff spot. They can finally have clean nasal passages, except when Ian Desmond accidentally sticks marbles up there thinking it would be a cool prank to play.

Toronto is really an allergic person’s paradise, and the Nationals have been thriving. Steps have already been taken, after seeing this success, to rid Nationals Park of all allergens. The field will be torn up, the stadium will be enclosed in a giant bag, all food will be thrown out, all fans will not be allowed to bring in fabrics and will have to come naked, and rubber gloves will have to be worn by all players. I can just imagine it now, two teams of naked men in rubber gloves performing in near darkness in front of thousands of also naked people. That’s how baseball was meant to be played.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Atahualpa Severino

November 17, 1532: Sapa Inca Atahualpa sits in his litter in the great plaza of the city of Cajamarca as his empire crumbles around him. His army of 80,000 has been decimated by a Spanish force of less than 200. The ancient treasures of the Inca will soon be in the hands of the white devil, Francisco Pizarro. As the Spanish cavalry charge bears down on him, Pizarro at its head, Atahualpa feels the cold grip of his impending death seize him. But suddenly, as a shining steel sword blots out the sun as it prepares to strike, the visage of Atahualpa’s doom is no longer that of Francisco Pizarro. It has transformed into the curiously bland face of James Loney. And Atahualpa knows that one day, he will get his revenge. Continue reading

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