Tag Archives: God

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

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Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

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How the Nationals Did in the All-Star Game

Strasburg laughs when Verlander is announced as the All-Star starter.

The National League has won the All-Star Game by a score of 8-0. It was the most exciting All-Star game since never. It was very uninteresting. But despite this lack of entertainment, three of the Nationals star players made their Nationals All-Star debuts; Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper. Ian Desmond was made an All-Star as well, but was kept far away from the stadium for the fear that he would try to engage teammates in polite conversation. Few wanted that.

So how did each of the Nationals do in the game?

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Bryce Harper Concedes

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Delivering the concession speech.

Just a few hours ago, Bryce Harper lost the election to the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star team. Many who put a great deal of work into campaigning for Bryce surely feel hurt at this time. But Bryce is a gracious loser, who has accepted the fact that David Freese won the vote. Below is the concession speech that Bryce delivered just moments ago.

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Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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ScutaRoe v. Wade (and Craig Stammen): Nats Big Comeback Aborted in 11th

“I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun Marco Scutaro” –Dexter Fowler’s thoughts (AP Photo/Chris Schneider)

Final Score: Rockies 11, Nationals 10

Dame of the Game: 

Bryce Harper: 2-6, HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 3 K. It’s a shame Harper’s first game tying 9th inning home run couldn’t have come in a winning effort. Kind of selfish of him. Why didn’t he save it for a game they were going to win?

Shame of the Game: 

Edwin Jackson: 3 IP, 8 ER, 10 H, 2 BB, 5 K. My mother once told me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I have to say something here. Uh…what a wonderful K/9 you had today, Edwin Jackson.

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Remember the good old days? Things were nicer back then, simpler. People talked to each other face to face. The government didn’t force you to be healthy. The undesirables weren’t allowed to vote. And best of all, Nationals games were low-scoring. Ah, how I long for those days. The warm summer’s breeze blowing on my face as I listened to pitchers duels on my transistor radio. Frolicking among the corn fields as Brad Lidge blew saves. It was a better age. Well, except for the Brad Lidge part.

But that age is gone now. It’s a terrifying new world we face, one where not just the Nationals but their opponents score runs. Lots of runs. More runs than I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Yesterday was the worst case of all. BOTH the Nationals AND the Rockies scored 10 runs in the first 9 innings. That would have been simply unheard of back in the good old days. Does no one else remember what this great nation used to stand for? Low taxes. States rights. Segregation. And good quality pitching. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Sandy Leon

Five days later, the now-legendary Leon-Solano staring contest was called a draw when someone finally noticed that the two catchers were missing from normal team activities.

Sandy Leon is a promising young catcher who showed some batting skill in AA Harrisburg this year and figures to play an important role for the Nationals in the wake of the injury to Wilson –aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH SWEET MOTHER OF HANDS WRITERS CRAMP. OHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD FUCK ME ON A TURNSTILE THAT HURTS SO  MUCH SOMEONE PLEASE SHOVE MY HEAD IN A BUCKET OF LAVA TO DISTRACT ME FROM THAT PAIN MAYBE I WILL WRITE MORE ABOUT SANDY LEON IN A FEW MONTHS WHEN I RECOVER FROM THIS HELLSPAWNED MUSCLE MISERY OR MAYBE NEVER BECAUSE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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