Tag Archives: guns

The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

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Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

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The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

Game 1:

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki's embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki’s embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Nationals 10, Marlins 3

This game was as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a lot. The world was in harmony; children laughed and played and there were no sad people at all except for Marlins fans, so there were no sad people.

The end. Continue reading

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Split Peavy Soup: Nats Slurp Up White Sox in Series Opener

When the sunlight reflects off this sign at just the right angle, you can make out the faint hidden hologram message: “Suck it, Phillies.”

Final Score: Nationals 8, White Sox 7.

Belle of the Ball: Adam LaRoche. Adam’s two home runs made me forgive his 0-14 start to the season, but will I ever forget? Yeah, probably, in a couple months.

Smell of the Ball: Rafael Soriano. Save or no, Soriano smelled like a toilet that had gone unflushed flushed for a thousand years.

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Man, I love Gio Gonzalez. Can’t get enough of him. I go to all his starts. I love when he pitches, when he hits, when he just sits in the dugout and grins, when he balks with the bases loaded–wait. No. I hate when he does that. Damn it, Gio.

But even in the face of such a balk, I will not balk (HA) at expressing my affection for Gio, especially when he follows it up with four scoreless innings. Continue reading

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Chinese Taipeiback: Dutch Colonists, Pitches are Overthrown

Throwback uniform day was met with mixed reactions from the players.

Throwback uniform day was met with mixed reactions from the players.

Final Score: Chinese Taipei 8, Netherlands 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Sino-Dutch War of 1661

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Once upon a time, the Kingdom of the Netherlands was one of the most powerful nations in the world. Their small size belied their prodigious talents, and they were able to build an empire on the backs of many non-European peoples.

I am, of course, referring to the Dutch team in the 2009 World Baseball Classic, when the men of Orange twice defeated the Dominican Republic in dramatic fashion to win their pool and advance to the round of eight. Oh, and also the golden age of Dutch naval and mercantile power in the 17th century.

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If This Were the Olympics He’d Be Medlen’: Nats Can’t Top Golden Kris

Ross Detwiler is a towelhead. Wait, is that racist? (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 1.2 IP, 0 ER, K. The fact is, middle relievers only have a chance at this most prestigious award in games that suck. If neither the starting pitcher nor anyone on the offense did anything to stand out, forcing me to delve into the nether reaches of the box score for a Dame, it probably means either the Nats lost or they were playing the Astros. Sadly, they were not playing the Astros.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, K, Error. I want to love you, Kurt Suzuki, but sometimes you make loving so hard.

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Ugh, I’ve been trying to sweep my floor all day, but I think my brooms are defective. Random side note, had to complain about that to someone. You’d think with all this fancy modern technology they’d be able to make brooms that work, you know?

A dirty floor isn’t the worst of my problems. The Nats lost to the Braves last night, in a game that, had they won, would have put Atlanta practically out of reach of the division title at 8 games back. Sometimes it’s important to put things out of the reach of children, like cookies, guns, and sex toys. The division crown will still be tough for the Braves to grab, but they can at least see it, which means they might be tempted to do something crazy and dangerous like buy a ladder or win all the rest of their games. It would have been safer for everyone if the Nats had not given them the option. Continue reading

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Man in Nationals Hat Does Something Smart

Here’s a video of a man in a Nationals hat, driving around, firing his gun randomly in a residential neighborhood. Boy, Cesar is really taking his designation poorly.

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Moore, Moore, Moore! How Do You Like Him? A Decent Amount

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Harper getting to third base and showing off his “Oh Face.” (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 2

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 3-4, 1 2B, 2 R, 2 HR, 5 RBI. Moore had the game of his career today and a performance that propelled the Nationals to a victory. Tyler Moore wouldn’t have played today if Adam LaRoche wasn’t a little roughed up. I would advise Adam to keep his knees away from Nats fans wielding metal pipes who want this to happen again.

Shame of the Game:

Kyle Drabek: 4.1 IP, 7 H, 4 ER, 2 BB, 1 K, 1 Injury. Drabek was the 2nd Jays starter this series to go out with an injury. A little suspicious, maybe the players just don’t want to face the Nationals. A fine way to trick the team into getting you out of the game, but if I didn’t want to play, I always went with the not being good enough at all approach. Of course, if I did want to play I had to settle for weeping.

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The Nationals came into Canada and beat them up worse than that time that country beat up Canada in that war which was probably not a big deal since Canada doesn’t get involved in many international conflicts in a big way. Still, the Nationals swept the Blue Jays this afternoon. Strasburg was superb as always, Stammen was thoroughly effective as always, and Lidge was dominant as never in the last 5 years. The big story was Tyler Moore though, who turned in a career performance and showed that he truly has made it after all (bum bum bum… bum!).

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