Tag Archives: Hanley Ramirez

Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

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The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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The Franchise Suffers Low Ratings: MLB Network Stars Nationally Shown Up

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Tattletale. (AP Photo/J Pat Carter)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Marlins 1.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: Win, 6 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 6 K. Zimmermann pitched a game that even if his teammates gave him the zero run support he expected, he couldn’t lose. They realized this and let Jordan have this game. They combined to mercilessly destroy him however in the postgame tug-of-war match.

Shame of the Game:

Jose Reyes & Hanley Ramirez: Talking too much. Jose and Hanley spent a bit too much time chatting one another up, and were distracted while Bryce Harper stole third base. Serves Jose right for being such a gossip. You promised you wouldn’t tell Omar Infante that I had a crush on him!

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Baseball is back. After 2 days of no activity, and 4 days of no real important baseball, the Nationals finally played a game again. It had felt like forever since we last saw this team on a baseball field, but in reality it was only a brief period of time. Well despite the direction the team was going in before the break, I’m excited to see people like John Patterson and Tony Armas Jr. continue to develop.

What do you mean it’s 2012? No, it’s 2006. Uh oh, I must have taken a bit too many sleeping pills to get past the 2006 All-Star Break…

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