I’ll leave the image of razor-sharp teeth slicing through Astro flesh like a flaming knife through already-melted butter to your imagination. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)
Final Score: Nationals 3, Astros 2
Dame of the Game:
Roger Bernadina: 0-2, R, 2 BB, K, Game Saving Catch. Danny Espinosa had this thing locked up. All three RBIs, including a home run and a presumably game winning hit. But then, well, you know.
Shame of the Game:
Ryan Zimmerman: 0-5, 4 K. They call this a “golden sombrero,” but that seems racist to me. Why is it especially bad just because it’s Mexican? Why not call it a “Shimmering Chapeau” or a “Towering Top Hat”?
You might think it’s hypocritical of me to accuse something of being racist given the title of this post, but a) it’s too perfect, and b) actually that’s the only excuse I need.
Let’s just skip to the end on this one, shall we. Sure, there were 11 and 5/6 innings of occasionally tense and mostly pretty boring baseball beforehand. Sure, Ross Detwiler and Danny Espinosa did “well.” Who cares. Aside from all the Ross Detwiler and Danny Espinosa stalkers out there, of course, of which I’m sure there are hundreds. For normal people, though, only one thing happened in this game worth caring about.
Baseball plays usually happen pretty fast. The buildup to plays tends to be very slow–lots of people staring at each other, people slapping and poking themselves, people waggling things, hopping up and down, shaking their heads furiously, chewing on something disgusting, adjusting their penises to the optimal Baseball Ready Penis Position. It’s all very dramatic and/or ridiculous, depending on your perspective. But usually after a pitch is thrown, you pretty much know the outcome right away. Thus, a viewer’s experience of a baseball play often has just two emotional states: Before and After.
The last play of yesterday’s game was an exception to this rule. For me, the 2-2 pitch from Tyler Clippard to Brett Wallace took me through a full five-step emotional journey. Here are those steps: Continue reading