Tag Archives: Hugo Chavez

Ca-raucous Outburst of Offense: Venezuela Takes Spanish Crown Down

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Spanish-Venezuelan tensions had cooled in recent years, as President Hugo Chavez and King Juan Carlos had become ballroom dancing partners.

Final Score: Venezuela 11, Spain 6.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Venezuelan Declaration of Independence.

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If there’s one thing that pisses off Venezuela it’s, well, there are actually a lot of things that piss of Venezuelans. Let me just scroll through this 48-page Word document I have to make sure the one I wanted is there… George W. Bush, no… Jews? Really? I didn’t know that, but no… Ah, yes. Here it is. Spain.

Spain once controlled the area that is now Venezuela, and treated them quite poorly. After many years of oppression, the Venezuelans said enough is enough, which is coincidentally what Miguel Cabrera often tells Prince Fielder as to ensure some of the pre-game buffet remains for other players.

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The Rico Get Rico-er: Puerto Rico Adds to Wealth of Victories at Venezuela’s Expense

I'm not sure how the Venezuelans expected to win starting a dead guy...

I’m not sure how the Venezuelans expected to win starting a dead guy…

Final Score: Puerto Rico 6, Venezuela 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Venezuela feeling that Puerto Rico is the  base of the American Caribbean Empire against Venezuela

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Hugo Chavez was a crazy man who believed some pretty crazy things, which makes his passing a bit sad because we will now no longer hear him say any of those crazy things. His hilarious utterances will be sorely missed, if not the other aspects of his existence. In memoriam of his unfailingly creative turns of phrase, this post is dedicated to one of them in particular: his opinion on the island of Puerto Rico.

Chavez felt that PR was in fact being used by the United States as a base of operations for its imperial ambitions in Venezuela and the rest of Latin America. He went so far as to describe Puerto Rico as a “gringo colony” of the U.S., and promised to one day liberate it. He even alleged that the leading U.S. diplomat in Venezuela had met with anti-Chavistas in exile in Puerto Rico.

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Venez-wail-a: Dominican Republic Shows No Sympathy for Mourners

Final Score: Dominican Republic 9, Venezuela 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Hugo Chavez cuts off oil supply to the DR in 2003

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The shadow of Hugo “Eric” Chavez loomed large over this game. A titan of Latin American politics, Chavez was an admired but flawed and kind of crazy leader. His long presidency was marred by such scandals as the kidnapping of Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos and also some other stuff.

A turning point in the reign of Chavez was the coup of 2002, in which he was briefly removed from power before leveraging his popular support to recover it. In the aftermath of the coup, Chavez was naturally paranoid about who had been involved in the attempt to get rid of him. One of the places at which he pointed his chubby finger was none other than the Dominican Republic.

In 2003, Chavez cut off Venezuela’s oil supply to the DR in retaliation for their supposed involvement. The move was a serious blow to the Dominican economy, and it was years before Venezuela-Dominican Republic relations “recovered.”

But they never truly recovered. For years, Dominicans let their resentment towards Chavez fester, mutating into a deep-seated hatred for the Venezuelan president. They bided their time, waiting for the opportunity to get their revenge. They kept biding. They bided some more. They thought about doing something, but then decided it was probably a bad idea. More biding. Years of biding.

They bided so long that Hugo Chavez died of natural causes. And only then did the Dominicans take the opportunity to strike, posthumously. They beat Chavez’s national baseball team, 9-3.

Hugo Chavez is dead, and the Venezuelan hopes at the World Baseball Classic are dying fast.

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Hey, I Heard You Like the Wild Ones: Rodriguez Throws Game to the Backstop in 9th

If I took Tom Gorzelanny to face Matt Kemp, it'd be a home run.

Final Score: Dodgers 4, Nationals 3

Douchebag of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-3, 2B, RBI, 1 Awesome Throw. I just can’t bring myself to call Bryce Harper a “dame.” He really should get this award every game he plays, but I’ll only give it to him when he does something particularly noteworthy, like play pretty well in his debut or hand the pitcher a thank you note when he hits a home run.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .2 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 K, 3 Horribly Wild Throws. Brad Lidge’s physical form is gone, but he seems to have left his spirit behind. You must fight it, Henry Rodriguez. Banish that Brad Lidge essence within you to the save-blowing realm it came from.

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I haven’t questioned much that Davey Johnson has done thus far this year. After all, there’s no point in second guessing managerial decisions when the team is winning games. But last night, Davey Johnson did a bad thing. Was it the worst thing he’s ever done in his life? Probably not. I don’t know how many people he’s killed, shops he’s lifted, treasons he’s committed, backs he’s stabbed, genocides he’s condoned. Perhaps hundreds. Perhaps thousands. But this thing that he did last night has to be up there among the very bad of the very worst. He let Tom Gorzelanny face Matt Kemp in a situation where if a home run happened, the Nationals would lose. A home run happened.

Now, this wasn’t a case of the best hitter in baseball facing the worst pitcher in baseball, but that’s only because Sean Burnett wasn’t available to pitch. The most apt analogy that comes to mind is an emperor setting up a gladiator duel between a retarded Christian baby with no knees and a pride of lions. Thumbs down, Davey Johnson. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Henry Rodriguez

Henry Rodriguez remembers the dark days

Henry Rodriguez throws hard. He throws hard even by the standards of Major League Baseball pitchers, who tend to throw harder than average people (Livan Hernandez excepted). His fastball has been known to reach 100mph, which means that if he stood on one side of the original 100-square mile-boundaries of Washington, DC and threw a fastball towards the other side, it would get there in…probably about an hour. Assuming no gravity and that it didn’t hit an office building, presidential memorial or homeless person on the way, of course.

Henry Rodriguez has always thrown hard. Henry grew up in Zulia, Venezuela, where there were plenty of things to throw. As a baby, Henry Rodriguez once threw a pacifier through a wall. When he was five, he threw a squirrel through a tree. When he was eight years old, he threw a six-year-old through a five-year-old. That was a very traumatic event in Henry’s life (not to mention the lives of the other children involved). After that, Henry stopped throwing living things and started throwing baseballs. Continue reading

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