Tag Archives: illegal immigrants

Dominicanatrix: Puerto Ricans Are Submissive to Dominican Whipping

A smiling Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body to the left until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

An exuberant Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Puerto Rico 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Unwanted immigration from the Dominican Republic to Puerto Rico

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They just keep coming. Dominicans, pouring across home plate, pouring across the Mona Passage. No pitching, defense, or U.S. coast guard can stop them. What’s a poor Puerto Rican (Poorto Rican?) to do?

It’s not Puerto Rico’s fault that the Dominican Republic has a terrible economy and a great offense. It’s not their fault that the Dominican Republic is right next to the even worse country of Haiti and has Robinson Cano on their team to hit beautiful, beautiful home runs.

It is a little bit their fault that their starting pitcher was Orlando Roman, who has never and will never succeed in a baseball league anyone cares about. It is also a little bit their fault that they haven’t bothered to become a U.S. state so the U.S. government doesn’t care all that much how many illegal Dominicans show up on the island. But on the whole, Puerto Rico is the victim here, of the Dominican Republic’s merciless immigrants and amazing-baseball-player-producing factories.

I wish there was some way to help them, but I’m afraid it’s too late for Puerto Rico. Their normal jobs will all be taken by Dominicans, and they won’t even be able to get jobs as professional baseball players because the Dominicans will have taken all those jobs too. They are doomed to lead depressing lives of sitting on the beach doing nothing in a tropical paradise.

Tragic.

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Ian Desmond Sort of Injured, Withdraws From All-Star Game

Ian Desmond’s “Kirk Gibson Injured Home Run Trot” is not very convincing.

Ian Desmond has an “injury.” It’s the kind of injury that makes him hit really well. The injury has caused him to withdraw from the All-Star game, so that it can have some time to heal. During the last two days when he’s been “injured,” Desmond has hit two enormous home runs. Since he first started feeling this “injury” in June, he’s hitting .340 with 8 home runs. Desmond claims the injury is of his oblique muscle, but I’m skeptical. I think it’s an injury of the part of his soul that compels him to play baseball badly. I’m very worried that his decision to “heal” the “injury” will revert him to his usual failure of a self.

Replacing Desmond on the NL squad is notorious probable-illegal-immigrant Michael Bourn. Now that he’s no longer a rival of Bryce Harper in getting into the All-Star Game, the ill-will that I have borne Bourn is mostly gone.

The only man of the original five NL Final Vote candidates who is now not going to the All-Star game is Aaron Hill. Hill’s plans for Tuesday night include sitting at home alone watching The Notebook, calling all his ex-girlfriends, and eating Haagen-Dazs until the grief lulls him to sleep.

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Independence Fray: Nats Launch Fireworks Often, Few See Them Due To Sun

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Gio, pretending like that fart didn’t happen will never work. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The Ryan-O proved to be an unstoppable force today. Players like these are an endangered species. I worry that other people in the league will try to kill him and sell his bat on the black market though.

Shame of the Game:

Madison Bumgarner: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 7 ER, 7 K. It makes sense that a man who garners bums would make an ass out of himself on the mound today.

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The 4th of July is America’s day. Baseball is America’s game. Washington is America’s city. These three things coming together today could only mean one thing. That thing of course is that the baseball schedule lined up to have a Nationals home game on July 4th. It’s a pretty simple explanation. But still, the Nationals celebrated America’s birthday with a win. They really cooked the Giants, much like a 4th of July BBQ. The game went as easy as a picnic…a 4th of July picnic. The Nationals beat a bunch of immigrants who play for the Giants, much like Will Smith beating a bunch of aliens during an Independence Day invasion. Thus today’s game encapsulated everything America stands for. Food, food, and making life difficult for aliens. God bless America.

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Harmful Rays Burn Nats: Wang Loses Out As Price Is Too Much

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Rick Eckstein’s celebration turns sour as he spots his evil twin across the field (To clarify, David Eckstein kills house pets). (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rays 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 3.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K. Detwiler? I barely know her! Hahaha, but seriously this guy should probably be starting and not Chien-Ming Wang. Why we rely on him to backup Wang when Chien does poorly, well, I’m at a Ross for words. I also apparently have a stereotypically Asian accent.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: Loss, 3.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 3 BB, 1 K. The Nationals-Wang relationship in my eyes has proven to be as unfulfilling as Chien-Ming Wang’s marriage in Wang’s eyes. It’s time we remove Wang from the rotation, and stick solely to vaginas.

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Bryce vs. Price I. Two of the first overall picks from recent MLB Drafts faced off for the first time tonight in a highly anticipated battle. So highly anticipated, that I didn’t know it was happening until earlier today when I read someone’s tweet about it. Who won the battle of these two draft titans? Sadly the Price is right, in that Price is the correct answer to who came out on top. Price got Harper out twice while walking him once, suggesting that all teams should release their 2010 draft picks and stock up on 2007 draft picks, for they will surely be more rewarding. So hurry up and buy high on Andrew Brackman and Matt LaPorta, because while it didn’t work the first time, the law of averages will surely catch up to their careers.

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