Tag Archives: illness

Zimmerman Activated, Rendon Optioned


Despite a glowing recommendation from Tony Tarasco, Rendon’s assets were not enough to keep on the big league roster.

Do you feel healthier? Has your inflammation gone away? Is that rash cleared up? Have your nipples shrunk back to less than the size of a novelty McDonald’s Hercules plate? Well that’s because your Rendonitis has subsided, for now. Ryan Zimmerman has rejoined the Nationals, leaving no place currently for Rendon and his infectious existence.

For a long time I thought there was no cure for Rendonitis, but clearly it is Ryan Zimmerman. So the next time you get an infection thought to be incurable, take 1 Ryan Zimmerman and it may help. Orally or rectally, whatever floats your boat.

Rendon will be back before long and we’ll all get sick again. But for now we have the return of our other Zimmerma(insert appropriate amount of “n”s here). Zimmerma(insert appropriate amount of “n”s here)ia is running wild in Natstown, and might be even more infectious than Rendonitis. If you start tearing your Nationals shirt down the middle and growing bleached blonde handlebar mustaches, try taking 1 Anthony Rendon and see if that cures you.

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Wolf Blitzer Inspires Nats to Walk-Off Win Over Phillies in Series Opener

Wilson Ramos magically turned himself into an airplane after his game-winning hit, to the delight of the crowd and teammates alike. Sadly, Ramos has never been to flight school, and quickly crashed in a horrific fireball. There were no casualties of note. R.I.P. Danny Espinosa. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

Finale Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game: 

Joe West’s Illness. Tonight’s game was played with only three umpires, as Joe West had an “illness.” This benefited the Nats several times, including a Carlos Ruiz groundball down the third base line called foul that was probably fair and a Shane Victorino caught stealing at third where he was probably safe. So thank you, nameless virus and/or bacteria that wormed your way into Joe West’s body and caused him such misery that he couldn’t umpire tonight’s game. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Shame of the Game:

The remaining three umpires. Admittedly they were handicapped by not having an umpire at every base, but they still didn’t have to be so abysmal. The umpiring failures hurt both teams at various points in the game, so neither Phillies nor Nats fans can feel too slighted. In fact fans of both sides can join together in condemnation of these terrible umpires who deserve to be ridiculed every time they do anything for the rest of their lives. What a lovely fantasy of hateful brotherhood that is.


The time was finally here. It was time to take back the park. Our first series vs. the Phillies this season at home, one that the team had been building up to for weeks, was set to take place. With thousands of Nats fans expected to turn out it was clear that this series was going to be one of the most exciting ones in Nationals Park’s history. I am just thrilled that us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram were to be witness to such a historic event.

Hopefully they’ll “Ignite their Natitude Park” sign after this series. It is truly horrific and deserves to be incinerated.

Oh they ruined it. So many things were covered in the word “Natitude.” The ballpark was renamed, it was plastered all over the video screen, even food was renamed in a spirited manner, leading to some confusion and multiple peanut allergy reactions/deaths when purchasing “Nutitudes.”

Despite the strange obsession with this term, the atmosphere was electric. People were excited, the players were ready to go, everyone was prepared for a thrilling series. There was nothing that could change this feeling in the air. Continue reading

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