Tag Archives: infidelity

Honest Abe: Shinnosuke Hits Two Homers, Doesn’t Lie About It

Shinnosuke Abe, depicted in the tradition Japanese style of “extremely weird.”

Final Score: Japan 10, Netherlands 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game:¬†Japan’s revocation of exclusive trading rights with the Dutch in 1858

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Once upon a time, there was a period of several centuries when the only white people in the world that Japan was okay with were Dutch people. Japan kicked out all other Western suitors for their trade, but the Dutch East India Company was invited in and told to make themselves comfortable. They certainly did, enjoying exclusive Japanese hospitality for about two and a half centuries.

But Japan eventually got bored with its trade monogamy, and fell victim to the seductive wiles of voluptuous young Americans like Commodore Matthew Perry. The Convention of Kanagawa¬†affirmed Japan’s infidelity, leaving the Dutch well and truly cuckolded. The divorce didn’t go well for the Netherlands, as Japan ended up taking all their stuff and enslaving them.

Now, Japan is just being a dick to their ex for the fun of it. They’ve beaten the Dutch twice in this WBC, by a combined score of 26-10. Why must Japan be so cruel? The Dutch were a perfectly good partner in the 17th-19th centuries. They don’t deserve this.

I can only hope that if Japan ends up playing the Netherlands in the finals, they will show some mercy out of remembrance for the love the two nations once shared.

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Nats Explore the Hudson, Discover Runs, Kill Natives

“Ahhhhh, this is relaxing” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, Win. Okay, so he allowed two inherited runners to score and let Jayson Heyward have his way with him, but he got a win in his 2012 debut! Chien-Ming Wang: 1-0. A sight for Wangless eyes.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: But, he also cheated on his wife. He must be punished for his immorality, and what better punishment than a Shame of the Game? Once he has accepted this just penance, he will be absolved of his crime in the eyes of me, God, and presumably his wife.

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The Nationals played their first game against their biggest divisional rivals last night, the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta fought bravely, but even great courage was no match for the superior skill exhibited by the Nats, and the Braves found themselves with no win and no scalps.

It was a big day for Rick “Santorum” Ankiel, who got his Game On and went 2-4 with a triple, 2 RBIs, and hundreds of gay people made unhappy. Assuming that there are hundreds of gay Braves fans, of course.

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If it Feels So Right, How Can it Be Wang?: A Disabled List Love Story

“Taiwant you so bad,” whispers Cyndi in the ear of a sweat-glistened Chien-Ming Wang. The bar reeks of desperation and despair, and no hopeless scent is more acrid than Wang’s. He has just been non-tendered by the New York Yankees, following a miserable injury-plagued season and a half. But Cyndi’s gentle touch on his shoulder is the opposite of non-tender.

His shoulder. The reason why his $5 million contract is gone. It has still not fully recovered from the season-ending surgery he underwent in June. Wang shivers, and he doesn’t know if it’s from the sadness or the desire. Cyndi clearly thinks it’s the latter, giving him a wink as she retreats behind the bar to take another customer’s order. Wang puts his head in his hands. He can’t do this. He has a wife and a young daughter. How could he live with himself if he betrayed them? And yet…his career might be over. Nothing in life seems to give him satisfaction anymore. Maybe he needs Cyndi.

She whirls back around to face him and hands him another drink. “So, what do you do?” she asks. “I…uh…sell cars.” Want doesn’t want to disclose his true identity. “What kind of cars?” “Uh…mostly…gray cars. With doors.” She nods and smiles. He’s not sure if she believes him or not. “My shift is over. Want to get out of here?”

Wang wants. Cyndi leads him out of the bar, grinning at him. “I can’t wait,” she tells him breathlessly, “let’s run to my home!”

“NO!” shouts Wang, his eyes filled with fear. The last time he ran home he sustained a season ending injury in Houston. Cyndi is taken aback, but doesn’t ask for an explanation. “Let’s just walk. Carefully.” She agrees.

They are in her bed, ripping each other’s clothing off like . Nothing stands between their naked flesh but the last shreds of Wang’s guilt. Continue reading

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