Tag Archives: Islam

My Pilgrimage to Montreal

Almost every cultural group has historic sites that attract followers on a daily basis. The cult of Nationalsism is no different. The Nationals current form as a Washington team is relatively new, and has a very brief history.

But while the Washington team is new, the Washington franchise has a rich history that dates back to the 1960s. From 1969-2004, this franchise was known as the Montreal Expos. It is important we don’t forget where we came from, and what made the franchise the way it is now.

This past week, I took a trip to Montreal with a similar mindset to the many pilgrims to Mecca. After all, a trip to Montreal is one of the Five Pillars of Nationalsism, which are all noted below:

1. Kalima. The declaration of faith, professing that there is only one GM (Mike Rizzo) and that Davey Johnson is Rizzo’s manager.

2. Salat. All followers must pray five times a day while facing Nationals Park.

3. Zakat. The alms-giving, where all fans must give to Nationals charities.

4. Sawm. Fasting, which is especially hard cause Ben’s Chili Bowl is really tasty.

5. Hajj. The pilgrimage to Montreal.

I detail my experience below.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,