Tag Archives: Italy

Puerto Beacon: Late Inning Rally Guides Italy Out of Tournament

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A Puerto Rican player realizes he just missed the chance to touch his butt to another man’s butt. How sad.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, Italy 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Corsican Immigration to Puerto Rico.

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In the early 19th century, Spain grew fearful of a rebellion in their remaining Caribbean colonies, which included Puerto Rico. In the early 21st century, the WBC organizers grew fearful of a rebellion against the WBC. Both governing bodies decided that a jolt was needed to reinvigorate that which could soon slip away from them. The answer in each event was to invite a bunch of Europeans to come on and join the party, which in both cases (the only two times in history) did not lead to a weird discotheque-themed orgy.

Through the Royal Decree of Graces, Spain invited non-Spanish European Catholics to emigrate to Puerto Rico, while through e-mail or something more modern, WBC organizers invited the UK, France, etc. to join their quadrennial event.

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Habemus Rapem: Worthy Contenders from the Americas End European Control Over Church of Baseball

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Look at that great framed photo of Jesus Flores.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 5, Italy 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio to the Papacy.

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We here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram always try to keep up with the trendiest, most current stories. That’s why we’re developing a hilarious Macarana parody, so get ready.

But there is no bigger story currently in the news than the election of the new Pope. Pope Francis I is very notable, in that he marks the first time a Pope has come from the Americas, ending centuries of European domination. While in the case of the 2013 WBC it was only a few days of Italian domination, we still think the metaphor applies. Plus I really wanted to use this title, so I thought I’d go with it.

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When in Rome, Do as the Romans Do: Lose

I think that guy on the right with the long hair and the grim face is Silvio Berlusconi in disguise.

I think that guy on the right with the long hair, the evil mustache and the grim face is Silvio Berlusconi in disguise.

Final Score: United States 6, Italy 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: An oldie but a goodie: World War II

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Hey, remember that time Italians were fascists?

Heh. Silly Italians.

Now, I know I’ve already covered the Italian Campaign in pointing out Canada’s lackluster role in the whole affair. But I do think it’s worth stressing the extent to which Italy got absolutely clobbered in this war, then slathered onto a tank sandwich between two slices of the U.S. and Nazi Germany.

The big blow in the campaign was undoubtedly the American-led capture of the island of Sicily. That event also happens to be recalled by a similar occurrence in Saturday’s U.S.-Italy WBC game: David Wright’s fifth inning grand slam off hopeless Tampa Bay Rays reliever Matt Torres. In 1943, the U.S. had its Mediterranean bases filled with ground, air, and naval forces. The invasion of Sicily, like Wright’s home run, cleared those bases and would eventually lead to a decisive American victory.

Big shout out here to our very own Ross Detwiler, whose 4 shutout innings made him the Dwight Eisenhower of this game. I hope to see Ross taking many trips around the warning track this season in the jumbo Ike costume we’re sending him as a reward.

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Oh…Canada…: Canadians Are Too Embarrassed to Finish Game

Final Score: Italy 14, Canada 4 (8 innings)

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Canadian capture of Rome during the Italian campaign of World War II

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To say that “Canadians are known for their martial prowess” is a little like saying “Italians are known for never accepting bribes.” But Canada has done a little fighting in its day. In World War II, for instance, Canadian troops were at the forefront of the Allied assault on the Italian peninsula. It was overall a successful campaign, one that Canadians actually seem to be pretty proud of, in that adorably Canadian way.

Canadians led the attack on Rome, and they suffered disproportionate casualties compared to British and American forces. Now that might have been because German resistance was stronger on the Canadian front, or it might have been because Canadians just sucked at fighting. For the purposes of this metaphor, I’ll assume the latter.

Canada also failed at actually taking Rome. They were supposed to arrive first in the city like conquering heroes, but U.S. general Mark Clark decided to do it instead just to be obnoxious. No glory for Canada, then or ever.

Which brings us to the Canada-Italy WBC game, in which Canada won the opposite of glory: utter shame. They sucked at baseball like they sucked at war. Worse, actually.

Of course, in WWII it was the Italians who got “mercied”–the Italian government had signed an armistice with the Allies long before the Canadians got to Rome, leaving their country to be defended by Nazis.

The moral of the story is that both sides of this game should generally be very embarrassed.

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A Boot In Their Ass: Italy Kicks Mexico’s Habit of Winning

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“Why the fuck did they give us the wrong hats? Lets put them over there.”

Final Score: Italy 6, Mexico 5.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: World War II.

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Mexico and Italy had met once before on an international stage, in World War II. It might be hard to come across articles about said event, given they are buried beneath the more important articles about a Pool D WBC matchup, but they can be found. And when you find them, you realize one thing. Mexico doesn’t do shit, and mostly relied on Italy to fuck stuff up.

Mexico’s importance in the outcome of World War II was minimal. Mexico’s importance in the outcome of this WBC opening round matchup was also minimal. Mexico just seems to sit around, pretending to be involved but really just letting Italy mess shit up for themselves and then taking credit. They brag about how they were a helping hand in defeating the Italians, when in reality it was probably the heaviness of the mozzarella that made it hard for Italy to get up and do much anything.

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