Tag Archives: jail

The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

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Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

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Eighth Wonder of the World: Nats’ Eight Game Winning Streak Rivals Pyramids, Colossus

I know Jayson Werth is extremely huggable, Stephen, but there’s a time and a place. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Diamondbacks 5

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, R, RBI, BB. Werth has been pretty good since coming back from the disabled list. So good it makes me want to give him $126 million. Well, not actually.

Shame of the Game:

Wade Miley: 4.1 IP, 6 R, 4 ER, 9 H, BB, 2 K. Miley’s not smiley.

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Last year, it was a big deal when the Nats won eight games in a row. Now, it’s a bit…passé. Seems to happen every couple weeks. Especially playing eight games against teams that would probably lose eight straight games against any team that hadn’t already given up on the season and was using their at-bats to practice their golf swings.

Sapping more of the excitement out of this streak is the fact that the Braves have also won most of their last eight games, presumably just to annoy us. The Braves just keep sticking around at about four games back, like a remora fish on our Sharkadina-led juggernaut. As long as this relationship stays commensal, I won’t complain too much. But don’t you DARE start being parasites, Atlanta. We will FUCK YOU UP. Continue reading

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Elvin Ruins: A Crumbling Ramirez, All That Remained of a Once-Great Met Bullpen, Falls to Nats in 12th

“Was the fifth bucket of gatorade really necessary, Mike?” (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Mets 6

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-7, 2 RBI, 2K, walk-off single in 12th. It would have been Harper’s first career walk-off, except that Bryce Harper doesn’t walk off. He  sprints off. Actually, he sprints everywhere. That serves him well on the baseball field, but it does tend to piss everyone off when he attends a Walk for Breast Cancer event.

Shame of the Game:

Jordany Valdespin: 2-4, HR, 2 R, RBI, K, 2 E. There was a lot of shame to go around this game, and there are many potential Shame of the Game winners who I hate to deprive of their rightful disgrace. But Valdespin’s two 10th inning errors, including a booted double play ball that would have won the Mets the game, easily wins the “most hilariously, predictably Met thing to do” award.

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The Nationals used a time-honored strategy of Met-beating on Tuesday night: “get behind and wait for the Mets to mess up.” It worked to perfection. After going up 3-0 early, the Nationals dutifully let the Mets take the lead three times. The first two times, the Mets only messed up enough to let the Nationals tie the game, but the third time was the “charm.” I put charm in quotes because I don’t believe in magic or superstition. I just believe in the natural law of the universe that the longer you keep playing the Mets, the higher the probability that they’re going to fuck everything up in hilariously catastrophic and soul-crushing-to-their-fans fashion. By the time the Elvin Ramirez delivered his 47th pitch of the inning to Bryce Harper with the bases loaded in the 12th, that probability had crossed the threshold to absolute inevitability. Sure, it’s easy to say that events were inevitable after they happened, but really. The Mets were always going to lose last night in a way that was funny and bad.  Continue reading

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