Tag Archives: Japan

It’s Seppuku Time: Japan Disembowled By Puerto Rico in Semifinal

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Japan 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The U.S. dropping an atomic bomb on Japan

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They will go down as perhaps the two most difficult decisions in history. Decisions of unparalleled consequence. Decisions that altered the course of humanity. Decisions that strike to the very core of the human condition. Decisions that haunted and will forever haunt the sleepless nights of their makers.

The first: United States President Harry S. Truman’s decision to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilian lives weighed on the most terrible scale against the similar thousands of American soldiers whose lives would have inevitably been lost in a ground invasion of Japan. The unleashing of the most devastating weapon ever devised to end the deadliest conflict the world had yet experienced.

The second: Puerto Rico Manager Edwin Rodriguez’s decision to bring in J.C. Romero into a 3-1 game in the bottom of the 9th of a 2013 World Baseball Classic semifinal. The possibility that J.C. Romero would get some outs weighed against the likelihood the he would give up some baserunners. The unleashing of a pretty terrible pitcher in an effort to end a baseball game that would send Puerto Rico to the WBC finals. Continue reading

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Honest Abe: Shinnosuke Hits Two Homers, Doesn’t Lie About It

Shinnosuke Abe, depicted in the tradition Japanese style of “extremely weird.”

Final Score: Japan 10, Netherlands 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Japan’s revocation of exclusive trading rights with the Dutch in 1858

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Once upon a time, there was a period of several centuries when the only white people in the world that Japan was okay with were Dutch people. Japan kicked out all other Western suitors for their trade, but the Dutch East India Company was invited in and told to make themselves comfortable. They certainly did, enjoying exclusive Japanese hospitality for about two and a half centuries.

But Japan eventually got bored with its trade monogamy, and fell victim to the seductive wiles of voluptuous young Americans like Commodore Matthew Perry. The Convention of Kanagawa affirmed Japan’s infidelity, leaving the Dutch well and truly cuckolded. The divorce didn’t go well for the Netherlands, as Japan ended up taking all their stuff and enslaving them.

Now, Japan is just being a dick to their ex for the fun of it. They’ve beaten the Dutch twice in this WBC, by a combined score of 26-10. Why must Japan be so cruel? The Dutch were a perfectly good partner in the 17th-19th centuries. They don’t deserve this.

I can only hope that if Japan ends up playing the Netherlands in the finals, they will show some mercy out of remembrance for the love the two nations once shared.

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Amster-Damming Loss: Dutch Ain’t Much More Than a Bunch of Phonies Vs. Japan

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The outfield wall in the Tokyo Dome could really use some restoration.

Final Score: Japan 16, Netherlands 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Japanese enslavement of the Dutch people during World War II.

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Japan went through a rough patch during World War II, in terms of having their people sent to POW and internment camps, and whatnot. But in the grand scheme of it all, the universe always seems to even things out. And what better way to say I’m sorry to Japan for having your people enslaved, than for the universe to give them the chance to enslave groups of people as well.

While the Koreans were enslaved in the millions, they were embarrassed early on in the World Baseball Classic so lets ignore that horrible human rights violation. Instead, lets look at the much smaller case of how Japan enslaved settlers in the Dutch colony of Indonesia. Only 40,000 Dutch settlers were captured as opposed to the many more Koreans, which is ironic considering the phrase “If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much.”

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Taiwan Strike Away: Japan Makes Comeback More Shocking Than The Tentacle Porn They Produce

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This is what they’re fighting over. …and people say baseball’s boring.

Final Score: Japan 4, Chinese Taipei 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A dispute over the Senkaku Island region.

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The Senkaku Islands have been a hotly contested region between Taiwan and Japan for the past few decades. Ever since the islands were claimed by Japan during the First Sino-Japanese War, the nations have fought over who is the rightful owner.

Recently an issue arose between fishing boats located in the area in question, as ships belonging to both Japan and Taiwan had a metaphorical pissing contest by actually spraying each other with streams of liquid. But lets try and stray from the urination and penis jokes, and talk about the most recent conflict between the two countries. A baseball game where they tried to beat each other with their wood.

Damn…

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Cuba Lib-hooray: Cubans Can Have A-Pool Party After Win

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan

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The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”

The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.

Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon even more powerful…the Island-Sinker. Continue reading

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Australia’s Swan Song Seung? South Korea Sends Aussies Further Down Under

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South Korea’s excellent performance brought their minister to tears. Australia…devastated.

Final Score: South Korea 6, Australia 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Australia indirectly aiding in the liberation of South Korea from Japanese rule in World War II.

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When it comes to the relationship between Korea and Japan, no matter in baseball nor other matters of life, Korea has always served as the bitch. Whether it was seeing Japan ruthlessly overpower and devastate the Korean people (ex: 2006 WBC semis or 2009 WBC finals), or witnessing Japan do something less awful but still pretty bad like working Koreans to death during Japanese occupation of their country, Korea ain’t doing well in the win column.

In World War II the Allied Forces worked together to defeat the Axis powers, which in turn led to the liberation of Korea, which then in turn led to hundreds of thousands of deaths, division within a country, and the constant fear of war for decades. But you always focus on the negatives! Lets just look at the positives; the liberation. Korea became free and was finally allowed to compete in the World Baseball Classic.

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Japan Successfully Invades China, With Less Rape This Time

Someone farted. Or, is trying to be sexy. Or, the lights are too bright. Or, something I don't know what but it's a great picture.

Someone farted. Or, is trying to be sexy. Or, the lights are too bright. Or, something I don’t know what but it’s a great picture.

Final Score: Japan 5, China 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Nanking Massacre

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First Japan nationalizes the Senkakus, and now they easily beat China 5-2 in a World Baseball Classic pool game. When will this saber-rattling warmongery end?

In a game strongly reminiscent of the 1937 Japanese invasion the Chinese mainland, China quickly capitulated to strong offensive and pitching performances from Japan. Kenta Maeda held the Chinese side scoreless through five innings, and a four-run Japan fifth inning kept China on the retreat.

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Defending Champs: Japan is Good. No, I’m Serious. Come on, They Really Are.

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I thought countries with joined flag pins were never supposed to fight.

Final Score: Japan 5, Brazil 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Mass Japanese emigration to Brazil throughout history, and how that’s actually a secret government operation to win the WBC for a third time.

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Outside of Japan, Brazil hosts the largest Japanese population in the world. Since 1908 the Japanese have been emigrating to this South American nation to achieve a better life. They have assimilated into Brazilian culture and are now a major part of the society, totaling around 1.5 million in number in the year 2000. Yes, Japan and Brazil are on great terms.

Until you realize that Japan is actually manipulating the Brazilian people in order to get their trust and take advantage.

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Add One Mann to the Earlier Signings

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This Mann. I’m glad we signed him, since there’s only 500 of him out there. I just hope ours is in as nice condition as the #382 above.

Today is a huge day for minor league pitching signings in DC. Earlier we announced the signings of Ross Ohlendorf and Sean West, and now I have the pleasure in adding Brandon Mann to this new group of marginal pitching talent.

Mann has never played in the majors, but has spent a few years in Japan. Hopefully he finds his place in the Nationals organization, and maybe wins some awards along the way to put up on the Manntle.

According to the baseball card above, Mann works quickly and keeps his hands ready. While good for his defense, this has sadly never led to a long term girlfriend for Brandon.

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