Tag Archives: Jason Hammel

Jason Hammel Chosen As Harper’s Running Mate

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All-Star caliber pitcher AND interpretive dancer.

The Nationals have found a running mate for Bryce Harper. Washington has partnered with the longtime “rival” Orioles to bring out the voters in greater numbers to support a Bryce Harper/Jason Hammel final vote ticket. Excellent strategy by the Nationals to pick a man from a team that can get the Nats some votes from outside their sphere of influence. Just like on a Presidential ticket, the Nationals played it smart and picked someone from somewhere far far away. That’s right, look for Harper to not only get votes from a 30 mile range around DC, but also from a 40 mile range around DC!

Hammel also balances out the ticket in other ways, including being a pitcher and not having any long-term potential to be good.

What’s really notable about this union between one-time rivals is that we on this blog predicted it back at the beginning of April. We are clearly of a great level of intelligence and should be hired by all teams to suggest alliances for the sake of the All-Star Game Final Vote. White Sox and Cardinals, what about a Peavy/Freese ticket? It almost sounds like “Pee Wee Reese,” if you’re inebriated enough.

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Jason Golden Fleeces Nats Out of Win: Hammel and the Or-gonauts Take Opener

This kid thinks he’s so clever, wearing gear from both teams to try and get as many autographs as possible. Well, no one’s going to reward such flagrant pandering–I think he’s overstretching himself. Also, his clothing. Cause he’s fat. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 H, BB, K. We jest about Zimmermann not getting any run support because people don’t like him. But this sample size is only getting larger and less dismissable by the game. Does he make loud and disgusting noises when he eats? Does he give terrible birthday presents? It’s still a mystery.

Shame of the Game: 

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, K. Both Zimmerman(n)s are represented in today’s game dame/shames. This would be more exciting for The Zimmerman(n) Telegram except for the fact that we probably wouldn’t have named a blog after Ryan if we knew he was going to be so bad. Ryan’s whole season at the plate has been a bit on the shameful side. I can only assume he’s been distracted by his other, more foreign ministerial duties.

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The Battle of the Beltway resumed on Friday. A classic piece of military wisdom is that sometimes the best way to win a battle is to not fight it at all. The Nats may have been well-served to heed this advice, as they lost the opening skirmish of the Battle’s second round. Although, if they hadn’t fought the battle they probably would’ve just forfeited, which would have produced the same result in the standings. They may actually have been better served by just not striking out ten times against Jason Hammel. I guess baseball and war are not always¬†analogous.

Now I finally understand why Sun Tzu’s brief foray into baseball analysis failed. And why Harold Reynolds’ brief foray into being a general resulted in his entire army immediately dying and him cowering behind a bush for several weeks. Continue reading

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